


Can't say no.

by ThoneFrap



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Harry Styles - Freeform, I guess it's vaguely lolita-ish, It's legal but weird where I live, Kind of underage but not really, SO, Teacher AU, also dark shit went down in the past that I'll get to, but it may be triggering so watch out, he's 21, she's 16/17, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 09:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4014325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoneFrap/pseuds/ThoneFrap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shay Addams has been through the ringer this past year. Her whole life was torn apart, she was left humiliated and broken. But now she's trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild.<br/>Starting a new year and entering Six form is going to be one of the hardest things she's ever done but can a certain new Art teacher change that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> S'up. Not quite sure what to say but yeah. This is a teacher AU (yes, another one. Bite me.) and it's entirely disconnected from real life events, obviously.  
> It does feature some technical underage stuff, depending on where you're from and it does involve student-teacher relations. But I know for a fact that worse things exist here. Like, this is tame. This is practically virginal.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy.  
> P.S, I keep on fucking up my tenses so if it randomly switches between present and past, let me know and I'll correct. I have read through it but I'm shitty at proofreading so there's bound to be something I've missed.

I was dreading it. Actually, no. Fuck that. I was petrified and on the verge of vomiting. Sickness coiled in my stomach and was swelling by the second. Each breath held a tremble and I couldn't stop sweating. Every few seconds, I wiped the back of my hand against my upper lip until my jacket sleeve had rubbed the tip raw. I stared out at that wide grey expanse of the courtyard, Simmons Secondary looming just beyond. The ill feeling went up a notch  
My mum was watching me carefully, hands gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled fingers. I knew exactly what she was thinking because she'd already given me the speech.  
"You don't have to go back there. I'd never make you do that. I know there's not really anywhere else for you to go but we'd figure it out. We always do."  
She'd whispered this to me just after I'd woken up, running her fingers through my recently sheared hair as I sipped tentatively at a glass of water. I knew I couldn't though. Simmons was the only school in our neighbourhood and there was no way we could afford moving anywhere else. Hell, we couldn't even afford the daily bus fare to St Catherine's one town over. I had no choice and we both knew it. Didn't mean I had to like it.  
"It's fine mum. Well, maybe not fine. It'll be shitty and I'll want to scream but I can do this. You raised a strong one here."  
The smile she gives me was full of sadness but I tried to ignore that part of it and focus on the gesture itself. A small bit of false confidence started to fight with the sickness and I returned the smile as best as I could.  
"I sure did. Now, you remember, if anything happens..fuck it, even if it doesn't, you call me? Yeah? I'll be here as soon as I can and we'll figure it out. We-"  
"We always do, yeah I know, " I cut her off, tugging my bag free from the foot well, " but it's all good. Nothing is going to happen. Though you might wanna expect a call from the office at some point, if something happens and I have to take care of business."  
She gave a laugh at me overly masculine gestures and the sound built me up a little. I could do this. Probably.  
She waved at me all the way to the end of the road, even when she couldn't see me and I was surprised she didn't plough into one of the parked cars along the road. My bag was almost too heavy but that was partly because my shoulders were sagging and I couldn't find the strength to square up. Every ounce of will and confidence was going towards walking into the building and not screaming. My bag didn't matter right now.  
Inside was warm but busy, as I knew it would be. I was late but lessons still hadn't started yet so everyone was still crowding the hallways to escape the cold. The noise washed over me, offensively loud, and I ducked my head low as I paced towards reception, my hand tight around the strap of my bag.  
I heard the giggles, the whispers. Tried to ignore the pointed comments and kissy faces. I managed to keep my bitch face on until I got to the reception block and then I tucked into a corner to hyperventilate. I tried to bring back some of the warmth and confidence from the car but it's all gone now, used up until even the fumes were gone. The sickness was back, throbbing in my temples and I was glad I'd skipped breakfast despite my mum's frown. Otherwise, I'd have chunked all over the purple carpet of the waiting room.  
Jenny was sat behind the desk and that was both bad and good. Bad because she knew as well, she'd been the one to call everyone to the assembly hall after it happened. Good because she knew my mum, they'd been friends and that meant she probably wouldn't bring it up. At least, I hoped she wouldn't.  
Her smile was a mirror copy of my mothers, slightly crumpled around the edges with sadness and pity. I nearly gagged as I walked up to the desk.  
"Hey Jen, " I mumbled as I tapped against the plastic desk top.  
"How ya doin love? Excited for you first day? You're just starting Sixth form aren't you?"  
Her question bombarded me and I swallow reflexively. I've never been one for puking but today might be the exception.  
"Yeah, just came to pick up my locker info and my schedule. Didn't get one at orientation."  
I left out the fact that I didn't get one because I didn't go. She didn't need to know that.  
"Of course love. Lemme go and have a look for it. "  
She stood up behind the stomach high counter and went off somewhere to dig out my stuff. The quiet of the reception was overwhelming and I wanted to scream. A muscle in my jaw started ticking as I fought to keep my mouth shut, thoughts whirling through my head.  
They all know, they all saw it. They're never going to let you live it down. A whole two years? You can't last that long. Won't even last the day.  
I was on the verge of tearing up the entire reception by the time Jenny came back with a sheet of paper and a smaller piece of note paper.  
"That's you schedule there," she said, gesturing to the larger sheet before sliding the smaller one across the barrier, " and that's your locker number and combination. You gonna be alright finding it?" she asked, her voice turning from bubbly to tentative.  
Of course I'd find it. Simmons was the only school I'd ever been to, not counting the nursery I went to as a toddler. But the real question wasn't hard to see. You gonna be alright?  
"Yeah, I'll be good. Thanks for this, " I muttered as I headed for the double doors to the warren of hallways but before I pushed them open and entered my own personal hell, I crammed my earphones in and played the first thing that popped up. Kept it quiet so I wouldn't be caught off-guard but just loud enough that I wouldn't hear most of foul things everyone was saying.  
I made it to my locker without much fuss but I felt exhausted already. Every breath seemed haggard and half-hearted, and if I kept it up, I'd end up light headed. Maybe I'd pass out...I crushed though before it even finished, stuffing all the books I didn't need into the squat little locker. Whoever'd had it before me had left most, if not all, of their stickers and posters. A picture of Channing Tatum's abulicious body had been hastily Prit-sticked to the inside of the door and I nearly tore it off. I didn't need his smug face staring at me every day, the arrogant prick.  
I checked the combination before I finally glanced over my schedule. I had art & design first which didn't sound so bad. While I wasn't the best, drawing soothed me, took me back to the counselling sessions I'd had when I was a kid. Scribbling had been a lot more therapeutic than the actual talking part of my sessions.  
The Art block was a part of the new renovation and that meant it was in the back of the school grounds but a covered walkway led from the Science block to the new building. The cold wasn't appealing at all but I just shrugged deeper into my jacket and pulled my hood up to cover my ears. One of the best things about being in Sixth form meant to more uniform. I didn't envy the year 7's I saw scampering around between the aged year 8's and up.  
My cheeks immediately turned red and my nose started dripping as I followed the flow of people to the art block. I sniffed harshly as I got caught behind a group of Upper sixers. A little swell of panic enveloped me as I looked them over but I didn't recognize anyone. I'm sure they knew anyway but they were too busy being a whole two years older than me to really care. One of them did give me a lecherous little glance when I edged past them and I tried to stop my skin from physically crawling off my body as I shoved inside the art block.  
There was a crowed blocking the way, most of them from my old year and the fact made my stomach drop. Luckily, they seemed too focused on finding out where to go rather than my arrival and I slipped down the right corridor before anyone could notice. I was in A103 for the next hour and I knew exactly where it was. Passing by 101 and 102, I wrenched open the door to 103 to find an empty class room. I checked my schedule once before sitting down. I didn't want to fuck anything up by being late on my first day back. Then again, being early had it's draw backs as well.  
I decided to sit in the middle row, off to the side. The back would've be preferable but that was exactly where Charlie and the rest of them would set. If they sat at the back, they wouldn't be asked as many questions. I dumped my bag between my feet after I pulled out a note book and crinkly new pencil case. I didn't know what to expect so I just left them off to the side of the low desk, sliding down a bit in my seat so I was as unnoticeable as possible. I still had my headphones in but Beyonce's sass did nothing to quell my nervousness. My foot tapped against the leg of the desk as I waited.  
People filtered in in little groups but the free seat beside me stayed empty, which made me a little less nervous. I'd rather people kept away than sit beside me and send snide little looks every now and then. The room was full to bursting by the time the first bell went. The seat beside me remained empty but the teacher still wasn't here yet.  
Five minutes, ten minutes. After 15, someone called out the obligatory " we can leave if they don't show" but no one moved. At 10 to 9, the door finally opened, the hinges screeching as it banged against the wall, shaking the clock just above its hit point.  
He was new, and young. He looked barely 20 and he was struggling to take a steady breath as he juggled his messenger bag and stack of papers. His white button up was crinkled around the bottom and had obviously been pulled out of the tight black jeans he wore, the tail of it drifting out from beneath his sheepskin jacket as he made his way over to the desk. He was still panting and his cheeks were bright red.  
"Right...sorry guys...couldn't find where I...where I was going. Had to..stop and ask someone. But I'm here now, " he chuffed out, ending on a grin and a flourish of his hands that made every giggle a little.  
He pulled the beanie off his head and brown curls tumbled out. He shook them a little as he shrugged out of his brown jacket and slung it over the back of his chair. I found myself staring but I couldn't look away. He was...different. Out of place in the semi-professional get up though he didn't look bad. He looked....  
I didn't want to finish the thought, an uncomfortable feeling settling alongside the general feeling of illness.  
It took him a minute to get his shit together but he braced the registration sheet against a book and snagged a pen from someone in the front with a goofy looking grin.  
"You all know how this goes so just call out when you hear your name," he started and then started rattling off names.  
" Shay Addams? " he called out and I rolled my eyes at the wave of snickering that passed through the room.  
I raised my hand, not trusting my voice. He gave me and my gesture a smile before going back to it. I sunk further down into my seat because my earlier thought that it wouldn't be so bad had already been crushed.  
After the register has been filled out, he fiddled about with a white board marker and finally managed to scrawl out his name. "Harry Styles," was printed on the board in messy blue ink.  
"Now, I want you lot to call me Harry. Don't like the whole Mister thing, doesn't fit. But maybe give it a go if the head comes snooping around."  
This earned another round of giggles and the familiar need to punch something tickled at my hands. It was way too early for this shit. I could always call my mum, get her to drive back...I pushed that thought away as well and watched as he set up a small round table and arranged a random amount of bottles on top of it. He dropped an armful of them and gave a shrug as he picked them up before placing them precariously on the table.  
"Now, today is gonna be pretty easy. I just want you guys to draw what you see in front of you. Simple as that. I wanna get a feel for what you're all like, skill-wise and personality wise. Try and stick to the bottles but if something else takes your fancy, I won't object."  
He finished his little speech with a gesture and everyone got started. Only a few had to ask for sheets of paper, and they mostly came from the back where I'd seen Charlie, Bill and the rest of them sit. I tried not to think about it and focused on the blank page in front of me, pulling a pencil out of my blue pencil case.  
I glanced between the bottles and the page for a solid 15 minutes before I managed to draw anything. The guy in front of me had big pouffy hair that blocked half of my view so I started with that, mapping out the general shape before he could move again. He said draw what's in front of you, so that's what I did.  
I could feel a presence behind me and for a second, it felt like my insides had been hollowed out. What if Charlie or Rachael had decided to make my day worse? What if they started bragging about it, making the same kissy noises everyone else did? If that happened, I was sure I'd faint. But when I glanced back, a head of springing curls was leaning forward, just a foot away from my shoulder, green eyes watching as pencil slid over paper. It took him a second to realised I'd noticed him and he gave a little start when he felt my gaze.  
"Sorry, was just admiring your masterpiece. "  
He was still leaning to close and I felt his breath on my cheek, smelling of mint and the bitterness of coffee. From this close, I could see little splatters of brown over the front his shirt, probably spills from his morning beverage. That uneasy feeling grew and I shifted away from him in my seat.  
"It's good, " he continued when I kept quite.  
"Thanks," I mumbled, giving him a nod and that made him break out in a smile.He left me alone with a comment about not wanting to spoil my genius and I almost grinned. Almost.  
The class passed by surprisingly quickly, and with minimal to no comments made. I got glances, sure, and I was pretty sure I heard someone let out a mocking moan from behind me but I kept my head tucked down and used my anger to scribble some harsher edges to the bottles. I was almost content as I packed up my stuff for the day, leaving my drawing on the desk in front of me, when I felt another presence behind me.  
The tenseness had settled into a nice manageable hum over the course of the lesson so I turned around without much hesitation. When I glimpsed Charlie's sneering face with Bill, Rachael and Minnie all stood behind him, I nearly dropped right there. Like, seriously. If I could've, I would have sunk right through the floor and into the ground.  
All four of them crowded around me and I worked on packing my bag, begging them over and over in my head to just leave. My hands trembled as I shoved my pencil case into the front pocket and I was glad that my fringe was covering half of my face as I leaned forward to zip it up.  
"How is our little fuck bunny?" Charlie grinned, leaning his elbows against the desk while Minnie took the seat beside. The other two stayed behind me and I felt trapped.  
"Gone and chopped off all your hair I see. It's a shame. Felt pretty fuckin' good to have it all in my fist. "  
Minnie reached out to stroke the hair against my cheek and I flinched back, willing myself to not cry. I wanted to. God, did I want to. But I'd spent the entire summer crying and I couldn't look weak. My mum had raised me strong, and that's how I was going to be.  
My lack of a response seemed to unsettle them a little, because they glanced around for a few seconds before Charlie flattened out a piece of paper onto the desk in front of me.  
"What do you think of it love? Eh? He said if something caught my eye, I should draw it. "  
When I looked at the table, the tears nearly threatened to brim over and the thickness in my throat became unbearable.  
It was crudely drawn, done in sloppy, careless lines but there was no mistaking that it was me. It was from a downward view, my back bare as a bodiless arm clenched my curling hair in their fist. The face looked almost like me, contorted as it was, eyes squeezed shut and mouth wide open. I could only stare down at it, my entire body visibly shaking as I held back the roaring inside of me.  
"Do us a favour love, and hand it in for me. There's a good girl," Charlie snapped with a pat on my head roughly, messing my hair.  
I couldn't move, could barely breath. My tongue felt swollen and my eyes were nearly watering as I fought the urge to blink. My nails squeezed into the palms of my hands as I stared, biting deeply. The urge to vomit came back and it was the contraction in my throat that made me move again.  
I swallowed back the bile and grabbed at the pieces of paper on the table. I tore into them, shredding them into rough pieces as water flowed down my cheeks. It was the bloody gagging that started that nonsense. At least, that's what I told myself.  
I'd forgotten about Mr. Styles during the little encounter and it was only until I'd entirely destroyed both Charlie's work and mine that I looked up into his wide green eyes. I was breathing hard, my nostrils working as I tried to quell the tears. My chest was heaving and for the millionth time, I felt sick.  
We stared at each other for a long moment, both tucked behind desks, before he finally stood up and made his way over to me. His desk was too far away for him to have heard anything so I wouldn't have to deal with snitching. Just a small mental breakdown.  
"Are you alright?" he asked as he crouched beside me. His close proximity made me cringe.  
I could only nod as I swiped angrily at the tears and began gathering up pieces of paper before he could see what was on them. I crammed the shreds into my bag, aiming for the back pocket so it didn't come tumbling out in my next class. Jesus, I couldn't go. My heart was too heavy and my stomach was in knots. They'd understand, wouldn't they? My mum and my teachers?  
I was pulled out of my spiral by his hand going for my shoulder. I sprang up immediately, pulling my bag with me though it still felt like it was full of rocks despite me stashing some books earlier.  
"Please, don't, " I whispered, swallowing at the lump in my throat.  
His reaching hand faltered and he stood up, giving me a once over. I must've looked crazy. Hair messed up, face all red and puffy, my eyes achingly wide because if I blinked, more tears would come. But he didn't look like he thought I was crazy. His face was soft and concerned, his eyes gentle though filled with questions. He only repeated his earlier one though, and I was grateful.  
"I..Uh, yeah. I'm f-fine," I stammered out, my voice hitching in odd places as I tried to get my breathing under control.  
Of course I wasn't fine, dense prick. I felt like I was filling up from the inside, right from my toes to my crown, until I was going to burst open. My organs were all crushed and yet I was somehow alive as some mysterious force, probably humiliation, swelled inside me until I was just chunks on the carpet. But I didn't voice this. Couldn't get my voice to work properly as I shrugged my bag onto my shoulders.  
"Is there anyone you want me to call? Your mum or dad?"  
His voice had gone all throat and low, like he was trying not to scare me off. He ignored the little flinch that I made when he mentioned 'dad'.  
"Your mum then. I'm sure the school has her number. Or you do?" he recovered quickly as his hands fiddled nervously at his sides.  
Maybe he did think I was crazy and was just better at hiding it.  
"I can't, um, she'll be.."  
She'll be working by now, was what I tried to say but my voice drifted off. She would be working into the flow of the morning shift right about now, and she'd miss out on a whole days pay if I called her out now. We just couldn't afford it so I shook my head, tugging at my bag to make it sit more comfortably. I needed to leave, to find a bathroom somewhere and just howl until my voice broke but the look on his face said he wasn't going to drop this.  
"Look, if you want, I can give you a lift home? I haven't got another class until after lunch and my car is right out front. "  
He gave me a grin and I felt my mouth twitch. That fucking smile was infectious and it made the vomit slide back down my throat the more I looked at it.  
I couldn't get a ride from my teacher, that'd be weird as balls. He'd probably get in trouble for it as well and I couldn't stand another bloody scandal. But I wanted to go home, so much. I wanted to curl up on my bed and cry until I couldn't then sleep for 3 years. It took me a minute to come to a conclusion and I can see his apprehension build with each second. Finally, I gave a small nod which he returned. He went back to his desk and fetched his jacket from the back of the chair and a set of car keys from the messenger bag which he left behind. He must be a little dense, leaving his stuff behind in a public school. Then again, he was young and probably didn't know how to handle teenagers with kleptomaniac streaks.  
The halls were empty as we ghosted down them and I felt a little creeped out but mostly peaceful. The idea of being home sent a pang of warmth through my middle and I held onto it with all my might. What a shitty first day, not that I was surprised.  
It was raining when we made it outside and he held out the side of his jacket to shelter me as we sprinted across the new car park to a crappy little mini cooper. With his gangly limbs, it was hard to believe he managed to fit into it.  
He held the door open for me and then ran round the hood to climb in himself. The whole car rocked a little when he slammed the door shut and I was sure it'd blow away with the next strong breeze.  
"Sorry if it's cold, the heating is fucked."  
My eyes widened in spite of myself and his cheeks started to flame. He mumbled a sorry and started the engine on the first try which impressed me. The rain pelted against the wind shield as we drove into the spray. The wiper worked frantically to sweep little triangles of rainless glass but it was basically pointless. I hoped he was an okay driver as I gave him a few directions.  
A quiet settled between us but I wasn't in the mood to be sociable. He didn't seem to mind so that made me feel a little less guilty as I hugged my arms to my middle, huffing out the occasional breath as the tears fought for control. I still felt sick but it was a feeling that lessened with every yard we drove and I found myself relaxing into the seat. Sleepiness replaced the tears and I had to fight that back now. I guess constantly warring with your bodily reactions will take it out of a girl.Before I knew it, I was drifting off, shivering a bit and my thoughts fading.


	2. Chapter 2

My duvet formed a toasty cocoon around me and my head was buried beneath the pillows so I nearly didn't hear my mum coming back. The muffled slam of the front door jolted my heart and one of my hands shot out to find my phone. The brightness of it as I checked the time blinded me and I had to wait a second. 17:34. I guess she'd gone shopping after work because she usually finished at 3.   
I slithered out from beneath the warm weight of my duvet and shrugged into a hoodie before heading downstairs. I was only a little bit nervous. I mean, I knew my mum would understand. She'd be glad that I was home and safe but she'd also ask about how I got home, why I hadn't called her. And if I told her the truth, she'd feel shitty and I didn't want that.   
Mr Styles - Harry, as he'd insisted when we were saying goodbye - had made it to my house despite my power nap in the passenger seat. He'd woken me up as gently as possible and had held an arm around my shoulders as we walked up my garden path. At any other time, I might've shrugged him off and stomped away without a thank you but I was too tired, too sad to be angry any more. He didn't ask any questions about what'd happened and I was grateful for it, and he'd given me a seemingly genuine smile as he'd driven away.   
I pushed all thoughts of smiley teachers out of my head as I padded down the stairs and sure enough, the hallway was full of plastic bags. My mum was crouched among them, searching through a bag of veggies and bread.   
"Hey," I croaked, my throat dry from sleep.  
She looked up at me with the saddest eyes as I slid down to sit on a step. She abandoned her search and leaned against the painted wooden railing.  
"How'd it go hun?"  
"Not good," I said with a shrug, not wanting to meet her eyes.  
"How'd you get home love? Why didn't you call me?"  
The school had probably called to tell her that I hadn't shown up to any of my other classes so at least she knew the extent of my absence.   
"I got a lift from someone. A...a teacher but don't freak out. It was only 'cause I was all worked up and I didn't think to call you and he offered to give me a lift and I just wanted to come home."  
It came out of me in a rush, my toes curling against the varnished wood of the stairs. I couldn't deal with her being mad at me as well as everything else and the anticipation of shouting wrapped around my heart. I was more than a little surprised when she reached through the railing and gave my cheek a little stroke before I flinched back. Her eyes were soft and teary and that nearly set me off. I guess all the weeping I'd done early had sapped my daily allowance of tears.  
"Hun,I'm not mad at you. I'm never mad at you. Well, I am when you leave your bloody plates in the living room but I'm never 'mad' mad at you, yeah? Especially not about this, though I don't want you to get in trouble for being in a teachers car. Doesn't look good, does it?"  
I shook my head and gave her a small smile which she returned, and the weight on my shoulders lifted a little.  
"I'm gonna go back tomorrow, alright? I should've stayed today but I will tomorrow. I know what it'll be like now."  
The look she gave me made my heart ache but I just looked down at the space between my feet. I knew what she was thinking, that I shouldn't have to deal with this bullshit, that we should just move and find somewhere else. And we could, if we weren't so broke. She blamed herself for it constantly, even though our money situation was solely my dad's trouble. He'd been the one to leave us with nothing but she was the one who had to bear the guilt. The injustice of it made my hands ache to punch.  
"Want me to help with the shopping?" I asked after a moment of quiet and she gave me a nod.  
We got it all packed away by half six and I helped with making the lasagne, though I was mostly stuck on cheese grating duty. We ate together in the living room, watching boring tv to fill up the silence I was unwilling to break. Despite my earlier nap, I still felt exhausted and I needed as much strength as I could get tomorrow. Before I went to bed though, I sketched out a rough section of my bedroom and put in my bag. I needed to hand something in after tearing apart my work today. 

_

I didn't bother looking up or listening as I paced through the halls. The giggles were still there, and people still made kissing noises as I went past but my resolve was stronger today. I knew what to expect and how to handle it. I could do this. I had to.  
A103 was half full by the time I got there and Harry - Mister was certainly too formal but it still felt weird to refer to a teacher as anything else- was stood behind his desk, flipping through a stack of drawings. I had my hasty sketch rolled up in my hand and I nearly poked him in the arm with it as I handed it over. He looked up at me with wide eyes that quickly turned sympathetic and I had to wiggle the piece of paper in front of him before he took it.   
"To make up for yesterday, 'cause I, you know. Sorry if it's shit. I had to do it last night and I was dead tired. And it's not of the bottles, 'cause I couldn't remember what they looked like so I just sat on my bed and drew my window, desk, stuff like that.You said draw what was in front of you so I did but I can do it again if you need it to be the bottles."  
I felt breathless by the time I stopped rambling and I could only watch as he unrolled it and spread it out atop the others. He looked it over, bobbing his head and then gave me that bloody smile again, one that I felt compelled to return but stopped myself.  
"It's really good, honest. Your shading could use a little work but it's brilliant, I promise. Better than the rest of them, if I'm telling the truth."   
He added the last part on in a hushed whisper, glancing around the room in a mock attempt to look shifty and I couldn't help the giggle I let out. He was way too weird to be a teacher. Because never in my life have I ever met a semi-funny one and never have I laughed with one.   
I took a seat at the first empty desk I could find and settled in for the next hour. A grim determination had filled me since last night and I kept it going with thoughts of 4 o'clock. Just make it to 4 and then you can go home. You'll be back in your bed, you'll be comfortable and warm. I kept these thoughts going round and round in my head all morning, especially after the bearable hour of A&D was over and I had to go to all the way across the school for biology. After that, my mantra changed from 4 to lunch time. Just make it to lunch time .   
I was left alone for the first few hours and despite the fact that I shared all 4 of my morning lessons with Charlie and that lot, they didn't say anything. Sure, I got a few paper balls launched at my head but that was easy enough to ignore. But the idea of dealing with it everyday for the next two years made me queasy. Just make it to lunch time.   
I did manage until 1 and felt a small swell of accomplishment as I lined up to get my lunch. Us Sixth formers got a little cafe rather than having to go the lunch hall. It meant they could charge us for food, now that we were on the brink of adulthood.   
I bought a cheese ploughman's and went to find a bench outside. It was cold but the rain had died down for today so I just hunched down inside my jacket and tore into my sandwich. I still had half an hour when I finished so I settled my arms against the table and dozed a little. Just because I wasn't weeping didn't mean I didn't want to.   
"You probably shouldn't be sitting out here. It's pretty cold," a voice said and I sat up, groggy and disorientated.   
Harry was stood a few feet away, messenger bag hanging sloppily from his shoulder while he fiddled with the strap. I looked him up and down as I slowly came back to myself.  
"Well, I didn't wanna go sit in there with that lot," I grumbled, gesturing toward the cafe behind me.   
He glanced between the squat little building and me for a few seconds before striding over and sitting down opposite me. He was wearing that same light brown jacket as yesterday, though it didn't seem to keep him as warm as he wanted it to, because his cheeks were raw and his nose kept running. Even so, he remained where he was, looking off towards the large field that acted as the footie pitch on the rare days when it wasn't miserable.  
"You probably shouldn't be sitting with me, you know. You're a teacher, I'm a student. Looks pretty suspicious to me. "  
That made the corner of his mouth quirk up and he finally set his bag down on the bench-top.  
"For all anyone else knows, I'm giving you a heart warming talk about the importance of art and all that shit. I could just be a teacher trying to inspire one of his brightest students to aim high this year. "  
I couldn't help but scoff as I fiddled with my sandwich wrapper. Brightest student? No way mate, no way.   
"Do you want something? Besides off-loading a pep talk? "  
"You're a bit confrontational, aren't you?" he questioned, leaning forward on his elbows.  
I thought about scowling, disagreeing or even leaving but that'd either prove his point or leave me in the lurch with the only - can't believe I'm admitting to this - sort of likeable teacher I had. So instead, I folded my arm atop the table and stared, a no-nonsense stare of teenage apathy, one i'd perfected a long time ago. A silence passed between us, ticking on for at least a minute before he leaned back, looking back out towards the football pitch.   
"No, I don't want anything. Aside from to tell you that I think you've got some real promise. Probably doesn't mean much coming from me but it's true, true to me anyway. I just wanted you to know that. "  
His face was open and honest, eyes wide and they looked darker today. There wasn't a hint of anything other than what he meant in his expression. An unfamiliar heat bloomed in my chest, swelled up onto my cheeks and I finally looked down, lower lip trembling as I bit into my tongue.  
"Thank you," I murmured.  
His answering smile made that confusing heat in my cheeks burn brighter but I refused to acknowledge it. I had never, nor would I ever, blush. It was a stupid, ridiculous reaction and I would have no part of it. Harry standing up was what pulled me out of my inner tirade.   
"C'mon, it's nearly one. You've got Drama next, right?"  
My face scrunched up a little as I climbed over the bench and stood up, gathering my bag in one hand.  
"Are you stalking me or something? Because that's creepy. Like, really creepy."  
"No, I'm not stalking you. That'd be highly unprofessional of me. I know because I was explaining to your other teachers that you weren't going to make it to your lessons that day after I dropped you. Ms whatever her name is asked why and I just said you weren't feeling well so your mum had picked you up. "  
He shrugged as if it were the most casual thing in the world and we both started working. I didn't know where drama was but he seemed to so I just followed along. That earned me even more glances but with half a day of it under my belt, I was becoming a pro at ignoring them. The walk was silent and he walked me right up to the door.  
"Thank you, " I managed, studying the floor tiles, " for having my back yesterday, and taking me home. You didn't have to, and you probably would've gotten in a lot of shit if anyone found out. But yeah, thanks."  
He gave me a cheeky grin, dimples I hadn't noticed before popping up and I felt a little breathless. He left without accepting, giving me a knock on the shoulder that barely hurt before strutting off the way he came. Errant thoughts of dark wash jeans stretched taught over muscled thighs kept me from going into lesson immediately but I quickly shut them down. Harry Styles was a dorky art teacher, not worthy of my hormonal fantasy. Even so, as I shoved open the door to drama for the first time, I couldn't help but think about paint-spattered torsos and too-tight jeans.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few weeks went by without much interruption. Sure, I wasn't left alone. Found a few less than PG notes shoved into my locker and had someone spill paint down my back a few days later but that was the worst. As long as I kept myself distanced from it, acted like it was happening to someone else and I was just a silent watcher, I could deal.   
Luckily for me, an October break was coming up and the whole school was shutting down for a few days. That short break became my motivation in the mornings when staying in bed was more appealing than getting verbally abused.   
Unfortunately, the Monday before the time off got started was one of my worst days.   
The morning was fine, as I only got asked if I did anal once and for a blow twice. All in all, not such a bad morning. But after lunch, which I'd spent with Harry - it'd become and infrequent ritual for the two of us, though I knew people whispered about it - I'd gone back to my locker to get my prop skull which had become an unfortunate requirement for drama. Only before I could even open it up, I noticed at least 6 unwrapped condoms stapled to my locker's door. While most were empty, a couple were not.   
When I saw them, I nearly vommed right then and there but disgust was snuffed out by rage. I pulled a pack of tissues out of my pocket and ripped all of them off with a covered hand. After throwing them in the bin, I stood staring at the greasy metal whilst my hands clenched and unclenched at my sides.  
I've never been an outwardly violent person, had only been in a few fights before the infamous incident happened but I couldn't help it. What kind of twisted fuckers did something like that? How deranged, how disgusting do you have to be to do that?  
I already knew the answer but hitting them wouldn't change anything.So instead, I slammed my fist into the locker door, over and over until I couldn't feel the pain any more. Bloody knuckle prints covered metal and my wrist was pulsing.   
"What the fuck?"  
I knew it was Harry before I looked towards him. That slow, drawling accent was instantly recognizable and he'd said that he would wait for me to walk me to drama, which earned him a sarky comment and a punch to the arm.   
All of the rage seemed to have dissipated and I was left with the throbbing in my torn knuckles. I stared down at the blood oozing through my fingers and into my clenched fist. A piece of skin flapped loose from my middle knuckle when I opened up my hand.   
"Shay, what did you do? What happened?"  
Harry collided with me as he stomped over, worn-out boots slapping against the tiles with sounds I would've laughed at if it weren't for the pain. His hands grabbed my shoulders and he spun both of us around so my back was to the locker and he was looming over me, using those lengthy pins to his advantage.  
I started to speak but nothing articulate came out. His hands felt cold as he took mine but I'm sure anything would've felt a bit chilly compared to the heat radiating down my arm. He was gentle as he turned my battered limb this way and that but I could only stare.  
Without another word, he walked me to the girl's bathroom and pulled me inside. I was like a rag doll as he propped me up against one of the sinks and turned on the taps. I felt a splash of water against the thigh of my jeans but it didn't feel like a big deal. I was preoccupied with opening and closing my fingers ever so slowly.   
He took my wrist and pulled my hand under the lukewarm spray of the tap, making me hiss as the water turned orange.   
"Shay, what happened? Did you do this to yourself?" he asked, voice low as he rubbed at the blood on my fingers.  
"You don't...you don't understand, okay? You don't know what it's like do deal with that bullshit."  
That same burning anger made my tone rise until I was nearly growling at him. I expected him to recoil, shove me away and leave me alone. Instead, he got a wad of toilet roll and dabbed it against my knuckles.  
"Help me understand then. I'm all ears."  
As ever, his voice was silken and soft, giving me the option to just leg it if I wanted to. The thing is, I didn't want to.   
"Someone stapled fucking condoms to my locker, and I'm sick of it. I'm so fucking sick of it. But I can't leave this shithole so I just have to deal with it, but I'm so tired of dealing, " I whined around the lump in my throat. I was not going to cry.   
"And why would 'they' do that?" he questioned, wetting more tissue to clean my palm.   
"You don't know? Well, you're pretty much the only person who doesn't," I muttered.  
I had to pause for a second, to gather myself up and detach myself. There was no way I'd be able to get it out otherwise. While I spoke, he wrapped up my hand.  
"Um, I'm not a social person, I guess. I mean, I'm not good at it, I don't make friends easily. I've always been like that. But last year, in September, someone came up to me. I was all nervous at first, couldn't stop asking myself why he was talking to me now after all this time. But it was nice, felt good to have someone to sit with at lunch. Anyway, after a while, he wanted it to be something more. I'd never really thought about boyfriends before. Sure, other girls had them but no one was interested in me so I never thought about it. But when he said that he wanted to be with me, I flipped out. I was so happy.   
We didn't do much at first. We kissed and stuff, I liked kissing so I didn't mind that. Then he wanted to do more and I didn't want him to not like me so I did it. But eventually, he said he wanted to fuck me. Said he'd been dreaming about it. And I thought I was head over heels, you know? I thought this was it, my one and only. So I said yes.   
He took me into the boy's changing rooms after school one day. It was nearly 5 so I knew no one would find us. And he took me into one of the changing rooms and told me to undress. So I did. And then..then we did it. I thought I was ready for it, I thought that he loved me so of course I went through with it. But I was 15, and fucking stupid.   
I didn't hear them at all, until he started laughing. When he did, I looked up and they were all there, phones out. Taking pictures and filming it. He kept on going, even when I started crying, and then he shoved me away, left me there in the changing room.  
They put the video on Facebook and twitter, sent it to my mum and all my teachers. The police where called but they'd been careful. You could only see me in the video, just his arms so they couldn't ID him. I told them who it was, I wasn't going to let them get away with it but aside from my word, there wasn't any proof. And him and his fucking mates denied it all anyway. So, no one got in trouble and I was driven out. And they're trying to do it again. I'm the slut who fucked someone on camera, who'd fucking enjoyed it. They say I probably posted the video myself to get some attention. But I can't leave. I'm too fucking poor to leave so I have to suck it up and just ignore it. But it's hard to ignore when people are putting their used condoms on my lockers. "  
He didn't interrupt as I spoke, only stood and stared. I couldn't look at him but I felt the change, felt the tensing in his muscles as he listened and grew angry. His fingers fiddled nervously with the bundle of tissue woven around my hand. It felt like a year had passed us by when he finally spoke.   
"That-that happened to you? Someone did that to you?"  
I shrugged before I let out a muffled "yeah". Again, I waited for that anger to be turned on me, for a flurry of berating and disappointment. It didn't come. In its place, arms wrapped around my shoulders and I was pulled into a half-awkward hug. Only awkward because it pinned my arms to my sides and I was still wedged between the sink and nearest toilet stall. Also, I had stiffened up, unused to the close contact. None of this seemed to bother him though.   
We stayed like that for a long while, until someone started to open the bathroom door and he let out a shout of "Get out!" that shook me to my bones. After that, we both seemed to realise what we'd been doing and what it probably looked like, and separated. Harry felt the need to take several steps back until he bumped into the bank of dryers.  
"Right, um, are you okay? Now, I mean. "  
I nodded as I tucked my battered hand into my sleeve. Thank fuck I didn't have to wear a uniform any more. It meant I could wear my biggest hoodie and get away with it, which worked in my favour today. I focused on the task more than I really needed to, because my cheeks were filling up with redness and my shoulders ached a little where he'd squeezed them. It wasn't right to think the things I was thinking but they wouldn't stop coming. Fleeting little day dreams of plump pink lips against my skin that were spoiled by rough fingers sliding up my spine as I held onto a plastic wall. Fucking Charlie, stupid prick.   
Before he could do anything else, I picked up my bag with my good hand and hung it from my shoulder. I took his discarded bag in hand and held it out, my arm trembling a little.  
"I won't say anything, okay? This didn't happen. "   
It was his turn to be the quiet one, as he gave me a nod and took hold of the strap. I turned away as soon as he had it and shoved my way through the door. A spasmodic urge to smile was filling my jaw and I couldn't let him see it. He'd get the wrong idea and I'd end up in the Head's office.   
I was late for drama but I went anyway, leaving my prop skull in my locker. There was no way I was going to go near it today.

_

My mum was in and cooking up a storm by the time I got in. I stood in the doorway for a moment, listening to her belt out the Beach boys along with the radio.   
"I'm back!" I shouted when she'd gotten to the chorus.   
"Oh, love. Didn't hear you. How was it? Did you crack any skulls?" she called back as I made my way down the hall.  
The kitchen was in a disarray when I opened up the glass-and-lattice door. 3 different pots and pans were on the go as she stirred each on in turn, bopping about as the song changed and Stevie Wonder took over the air waves and the sides were covered in all manner of sliced vegetables.   
"Not day, though I was tempted. It was alright. Just boring. I fell over though, bashed up my hand. "  
She turned to me at that but I held my hands up, showing her the wrapped one before she could start anything. I'd bought a roll of gauze from the chemist before getting the bus back.  
"It's nothing, don't freak out. The nurse wrapped it up and sent me on my merry way."  
The look in her eyes said she didn't quite believe me but she didn't have a choice. She only had my word on it, and I hadn't ever been one to lie to her. That she knew of, anyway. I picked up the spaghetti spoon as I joined her at the cooker and took over the simmering pot of pasta.   
"Italian again? " I questioned as I looked over the bubbling pan of sauce.  
"You know we're a little bit Italian, probably."  
"Dark hair doesn't mean Italian, Mum. And neither does your obsession with meatballs."  
She gave me a bump with her hip for that and the rest of dinner preparation went by in peace. We cleared our plates in front of the TV as per usual and I did the washing up for once. After that, I went to my room and tried to do as much of my homework as possible. Which honestly wasn't much because those creeping thoughts wouldn't go away now that I was alone. Teenage hormones are certainly the worst thing to ever happen to humanity.


	4. Chapter 4

The break was only 6 days short and it was over too quickly for my liking. When Monday rolled around, I skipped A&D. Whenever I was alone during my week of down time, that hug was all I could think about and I felt ridiculous. And so I took to avoiding him as much of possible. It was too late to drop art completely so all I could do was sit as far away from him as possible and keep out of his way. Luckily for me, he seemed to want to keep his distance and that made it easier. Sort of.  
Some part of me, that stupid part full of hormones and 'urges' wanted us to start talking again. I tried to convince myself that it was just because he was a little more than alright and I liked chilling out with him at lunch but deep down, I knew that it was more than that. He was attractive, sure but he was also 21 and my teacher. I had to keep that kind of shit out of my head if I was going to survive the next two years. So, I kept away, well into November  
_

It had started snowing a few weeks ago, mushy wet flakes of it forming an icy layer over the entire village. I didn't mind the cold but the snow made everything wet and that meant I absolutely had to venture inside to sit with everyone else.   
The looks and whispers didn't bother me as much any more and it had faded into background noise. Charlie was the only one doing anything noticeable when I went to get in my lunch from the caf and even that was easy to ignore when I sat down at a small table on the other side of the room, hidden behind the counter. I was all settled in to enjoy my pasta cup and a book about sculpting when someone strode over to my little nook and handed me a slip of paper.  
"You're wanted, as soon as possible, " was all she said before she set off again.   
What the hell? I unfolded the note and 'Please come to the Art hall at your earliest convenience' was written across it in a familiar neat handwriting. What in the frig did Harry want now? I hadn't said a word to him in weeks and he'd been just as silent.   
I considered not going but that tangle of hormones had thrummed back into life and I found myself picturing his mouth again. Stupid pretty art teacher.  
I packed up my shit and headed straight out into the cold, cutting right around the cafe and going in through the side door. Nervousness wrapped around me with tight tendrils as I made my way through the school and that just made me angry. He probably just wanted to talk about the clay-work we were doing next week, or something as equally benign. I tried to reassure myself with that as I stood outside the door to the school's only studio.   
I could see him inside, perched precariously atop one of the stools that seemed too small for him. My hand hovered over the door handle for a moment before I snatched it away and tucked myself against the wall, making myself as flat as possible. Part of me hoped I'd just become one with the wall and then I wouldn't have to deal with anything. That'd be brilliant. Of course, that's not how things work. Instead, I just stood there, sucking in shallow breaths as I debated going inside or not.  
Before I could make the choice myself, the door swung inward and his curly head popped. He spotted me quickly, pressed into the doorway as I was, and gave me a small smile. I just blinked in response, hands tangled painfully with the strap of my bag.   
"Do you wanna come inside?" he asked after a moment of silence.   
I nodded and dragged myself past him, setting my bag on the desk closest to me. My hands were shaking so I shoved them into my pockets, my shoulders hunching as I waited for it. What 'It' was, I didn't know. But I certainly wasn't expecting what came out of his mouth.  
"I'm sorry about the way I've been behaving. It was stupid and immature, but I'm your teacher and I shouldn't have done what I did. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I just couldn't help myself though that isn't an excuse, I know. I just didn't think and I don't want you to think that I'm after anything, 'cause I'm not. I couldn't. You're only...It just wouldn't be right."  
While he rambled, I turned around slowly and watched him. He wouldn't meet my eyes and his cheeks were an unmistakable shade of pinky-red. For once, I wasn't the one blushing like a crushing teenager. But his words sent my mind into overdrive and I couldn't help the grin the threatened at my mouth.  
"You didn't make me uncomfortable, " I started, my voice oddly soft to my own ears, " it was nice, actually. I haven't spoken about it with anyone. Not like that, any way. "  
I found myself taking a step forward, away from the desk I was leaning against and a swell of unexplainable giddiness bloomed in my chest when he didn't move away. Heat was building in my belly and the air felt electric. I imagined sparks flying off every surface like we were inside a plasma globe.   
"So, you're saying you never once thought about getting into my knickers? All those lunch times and it didn't cross your mind once?"  
He started to protest until he saw my smirk. I had intended it to be humorous but part of me wanted him to answer, to say that he had thought about it. I think he sensed that in me, because he closed the gap between us until we were only inches apart. He towered over me and I could feel how warm he was as I looked up at him through my lashes. He wasn't smiling any more and neither was I.   
"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about...it. About you in that way. You're beautiful. But you're also very young. And I shouldn't be thinking about you like that. Especially with everything you've been through. "  
I wanted to be angry, because I was not a victim. And I wouldn't have him thinking like that. I didn't want anyone to think like that. But there was a thickness in my throat that I couldn't swallow and a twitch in my hand that wouldn't go away. I reached up cautiously, letting him absorb what I was going to do before I could do it, and placed my hand against his shirt, just below his chest.   
His body felt hard, like he was tensing and I smiled at the thought. A shudder went through him as my fingertip trailed downwards, stroking over the line of buttons on his wrinkled white shirt. I stopped when I felt his belly button, letting my hand fall back to my side.   
"I am young, and shit has happened. But...I've thought about too. Can't stop myself from thinking about it. I told myself it was just because I thought you were cool, that you were alright for a teacher but it wasn't that. I don't know what it is, actually. But I like it. I like you, maybe..."  
I trailed off as his hand reached down to wrap around my wrist. Hot, surprisingly soft finger tips stroked against my skin, making my hand scrunch up into a fist.I tried to breath, to stop myself from getting light headed but it was impossible with him standing so close. All I could smell was him - a healthy blend of fresh air, some kind of lavender shower gel and a hint of paint. It felt like I was choking on it.  
"We shouldn't, " he mumbled but there wasn't any conviction behind the words.   
I knew he was just saying it to say, to make sure he could say he protested if everything went tits up. I nodded along, even as I stood up on my tippy toes. His hands came to my waist, snaking beneath my jacket to hold on tightly.   
I didn't go straight for the lips, I couldn't. Not yet. The kiss fell somewhere off to the side, the corner of my mouth tasting his and if I hadn't been standing on them, my toes would've curled. His skin was warm and I could taste a hint of the strawberries he'd had for lunch. He pulled me in, holding me to his chest even when I pulled away. His breath was coming hard and fast, ruffling my hair and I smiled in response. I could feel his heart pounding against his chest but I felt oddly calm, older somehow. I was floating on a cloud of dreamy euphoria, blissed out.  
"We'll see where this goes, yeah? Doesn't have to be anything more than this. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble, Mr Styles."  
That lessened the tension between us as he chuckled and let his hands slip from around my waist. I took a step back but he tugged on my sleeve, gesturing over to desk he'd been sitting at.   
"Wanna join me for lunch? I've missed chatting with you. "  
I wanted to quip about his clinginess but he sounded almost nervous so I just smiled and picked up my bag, setting it beside his on the desk. I wasn't hungry any more, my stomach was full of a pulsing warmth that seemed to be filling up my entire body bit by bit, but I ate for his sake. When I finished my pasta, he offered me some his fruit, feeding me strawberries and grapes. Every time his fingers brushed against my lips, I felt my toes twitch in my socks and I couldn't stop grinning. He found that endearing, thankfully and I felt a bit less stupid.   
Lunch was over before I wanted it to be and I considered not going to drama but Harry convinced me to go, which left me shaking my head.  
"I'll see you at the end of the day, alright? I could give you a lift home if you wanted. I know where you live after all, " he said as I packed away my things.  
"You're not very good at subtle, are you Styles? But a ride would be nice. You'll have to pick me up a few streets over though. Wouldn't want anyone jumping to conclusions. "  
He smacked my arm for that but quickly reached down for my hand. Now that we were calm and not surrounded by lightening, I had to stop myself from stiffening up from the contact and the flurry of thoughts that went through my head when he pressed a kiss to my cheek.  
"This is crazy, isn't it?" he whispered as his fingers wrapped around mine.   
"Pretty much. But crazy feels good to me."  
His face stretched out into a smile and he let me go with another ' I'll see you later'.   
How in the hell had that happened? was all that went through my mind as I walked to drama. 

_

True to his word, Harry was waiting for me when school let out. We waited until most people had dispersed and then walked side by side to his car. After lunch, he'd moved his crappy little car one street over so we cut through an alley way and he tentatively slid his hand beneath my coat, pulling me into his side. 'Only 'cause it's cold' he claimed when I gave him a look.  
"How are we gonna do this?" I asked as we walked, my own arm moving to rest against his back.   
"No idea. This is my first actual teaching job and I've already...well, nothing's happened yet. But, you know. I don't know how this works. "  
"Well, we can always start out by introducing you to my mum. I'm pretty sure you could pass for 18."  
"Very funny, Shay. I'm pissing myself," he dead-panned as we approached his car.  
He let go of my waist and took my bag from me before holding open the door. He threw both of our bags in the back and then climbed in. It was cold inside the car, though the wind was just a whistle against the windows. I slid my sleeves down over my hands and he gave me an apologetic glance as he started the engine.  
"I wanna take you out somewhere," he began, turning the heat on full," not today, obviously but one day. Only if you want to though. I don't know what you want out of this but I think it'd be nice."  
His hands were resting on the steering wheel and he was looking down between his knees, glancing over at me through his eye lashes. Part of me liked how nervous he was, made my own anxiety seem that much more rational. I pulled on his coat sleeve until he let his hand fall away from the wheel and I pulled it into my lap.  
"That would be nice, though I think we should wait a while. I am a hormonal teenager you know. We're prone to changing our minds so this time next week, I could be done with you.Might've moved onto Mr. Hayden. He's pretty hot for a 65 year old."  
"Hmm, definitely. He could be my thing on the side. "  
"Oooh, you kinky bastard, " I joked with a wink.   
The car had heated up immeasurably, so with a returning wink, he pulled out into the road. The drive was quiet, with only the odd comment about his choice in music, which wasn't bad but it was funny to watch him get all defensive. He kept his hand in my grasp as he drove, only pulling away to change gear and when he needed to add a gesture to his rant about Jagger.   
When he pulled onto my road, I made him stop before we reached my house. If my mum was back, she'd hear his car with its chugging engine and I'd have a lot of explaining to do.   
"Your birthday is coming up soon, isn't it?" he asked as he leaned into the back to get my bag.  
Some very impure thoughts passed me by when the tails of his shirt fell open and I got a glimpse of his treasure trail.   
"Yeah, how'd you know?"  
"I uh, I took a look at your records. I couldn't talk to you but I couldn't stop thinking about you so I had to do something. It's nice to know you were a little arse kisser once. "  
I punched his arm with a call of 'creep!' but he only laughed and handed me my bag.  
"How about I take you out for it? Not on the day but the weekend before or after. I'll take you wherever you want and we can have dinner, or go see a movie or whatever you want. You don't have to say yes now, just in case you're bored of me by then but just think about it. "  
Giddiness filled up my head and I wanted to giggle and roll around like a child. I settled for leaning across and kissing his cheek, even going so far as to let my fingers ghost over his thigh. The jolt that went through him was hilarious but I held in the laughter. Who knew it was so easy to make a man squirm?   
"I'll think about it, let you know. Thanks for the lift, Mr Styles. "  
I opened up the door and a gust of cold air blew my hair into his eyes. He called out a good bye and just before I closed the door, I heard him mutter 'You're gonna be the death of me'. I couldn't help but think 'Same'. Harry waited until I was at my gate before he drove pass and I could feel his eyes on me as I walked up to the door.  
The house was empty when I went inside because I'd made it home a whole half an hour earlier than normal. I was glad I was on my own for once, because I let out a shriek into the empty air after I slammed the door shut. Even so, I was full of that pent up energy and I could only just stand it.   
How had the day changed so drastically? I'd gone in this morning, still set on my plan of avoiding him and every one else , and had somehow ended up half-kissing him instead. It didn't help that my lips tingled every time I thought about it.  
If anyone found out, everything would explode. He'd lose his job. I'd probably be kicked out or everyone would find out at the very least. My mum would probably beat the bad thoughts out of me and sell her soul to send me to catholic school. Harry and I, we were something that could cause a lot of trouble. The kind of thing that could ruin lives.  
Even so, I found myself not caring.


	5. Chapter 5

It took just over 2 weeks of 'being' with Harry for my mum to notice the difference. Hell, even I noticed the difference, though I was trying my hardest to act normal. Given as normal had become apathy and depression, the change to bouts of giggles and way too much smiling was obvious.  
I couldn't help it though. Since the incident in the art studio, everything seemed a little less shitty. I didn't want to put that all on Harry because that was stupid, ridiculous and irrational. All words I didn't want to be associated with. But he WAS the cause of my new-found happiness, even though I cursed myself every time I thought about it.   
My mum didn't ask about it but she was curious, that much was obvious. I think she was hoping it was real and I wouldn't revert back to whatever I'd been before. I hoped the same.   
My phone buzzed in my lap, pulling me out of my pondering and I dropped my pencil, scooping it up and unlocking it in one swift move. A little bubble bobbed at the corner of the screen, left blank because that'd be way too dangerous but I liked to picture Harry's face there whenever I saw it.  
Wanna hang out today? H xx , the message read.   
My teeth sank into my lip as I suppressed a smile. It really was becoming a problem.  
Sure, meet you at the end of my road in half hour? x  
I didn't wait for his reply and jumped off of my bed, already fussing over my hair. It had been a long time since I'd given much of a damn about the way I looked and I couldn't help to think back to then. Almost a year ago, I seemed to spend half of my free time in front of the mirror, trying to look nice for a complete and utter prick. It gave me a sour feeling in my stomach to think about so I turned away from my dresser and went to my wardrobe instead.   
The snow had been washed away by a steady few days of rain but it was still warm. I went for standard jeans and jumper combo, though I changed my underwear for something a little less Tescos value pack. Not that me and Harry had done anything. We hadn't even properly kissed yet. I'd tried to, when he'd given me another ride home the day after the art studio. But I couldn't bring myself to, not yet. Not when all those nasty thoughts passed through my head and I felt bile in the back of my throat. Harry hadn't pushed it either, had just kissed my cheek and stroked my hand until I finally climbed out of his car and into the rain.   
I shrugged on my most water proof jacket after I got dressed and simply pinned the bulk of my hair out of my eyes. Make up had never really been my thing and he didn't seem to mind either way. I put on a little water proof mascara and lip balm. Simple and not very effective. Now all I had to do was think up an excuse to tell my mum.   
I stood at the top of the stairs for a moment, balancing on the edge before jogging down.   
"MUM!" I called out once I reached the hallway.   
"YEAH?" she shouted back from the dining room so I made my way to her.  
She stood with her back to me as she looked over a stack of letter. Bills, most likely. I had to quiet the surge of anger I felt before I could speak again.  
"Um, I'm heading out for a bit. There's this art thing at the community center. Doesn't look like much fun but I thought I'd go along, see if it's any good. "  
I knew she'd be shocked, as me leaving my room was a rarity, let alone actually venturing outside to be around other humans. She gave me a sceptical once over when she turned around, folding her arms over her chest as she watched me. The seconds ticked by and I tried not to look guilty.   
"Where'd you hear about it?"  
"School. My art teacher gave me this pamphlet for it, said with my vast amounts of talent, I should go along and put everyone else to shame. "  
I handed over the creased pink slip of paper when I finished, snatching my hand back so she wouldn't see it shaking. She looked it over a few times and I could see her eyes reading in the faded black letters. Once she'd absorbed the information, she folded it up and held it in her hand. She still looked disbelieving.   
"Alright love, don't be home late. And keep your phone on. I'll come and pick you up if I can, okay?"   
I nodded and leaned in rather than away so she could kiss my cheek. I felt her tuck something into my hand, thought for a second that I might be the pamphlet but when I looked down, a tenner was clutched between my fingers.  
"Mum, don't. I know we can't afford it right now. It's free anyway, and I've got bus fare. Save it for something else yeah?"  
She waved me away with a limp wrist and sat back down at the table.  
"If I can't treat my own daughter, what kind of a mother am I? Now off you go. Get yourself something nice."  
I wanted to give the money back but she was already suspicious enough as it was. So I crammed it into my pocket and promised myself that I'd put it aside for a rainy day. I checked my phone before I left, making sure he'd be here soon. Once he told me he was, I headed out into the drizzle and onto the street.  
It was a miserable day, the sky grey and overcast. It wasn't quite raining yet but I was glad I'd pinned my hair back. I wanted to avoid frizz as much as I could. I waited at the farthest corner from my house just in case, plugging my headphones in and shoving them in my ears so I had something to do until he got here.   
I was leaning against the street sign post when I felt a hand shove up against my arm and I nearly lost my footing as my headphones were ripped out of my ears. I rounded on whoever it was when I found my feet again but I went still when I saw it was Charlie. That sickly feeling clenched around my stomach and I fought to keep my eyes on him. Everything about him made me want to cower and hide, and I absolutely hated that. Loathed how weak he made me feel. He ran a hand through his rain slick hair, giving me a sneer as he did.  
"How you doin' sweetheart? Waitin' for your boyfriend? What kind of sap would go 'round with a slag like you?"  
I turned away from him before I could do anything stupid, like try and smack him in the face. I wanted to, definitely but it wouldn't do any good. I leaned back against the sign and coiled my headphones back into my pocket. I wanted and didn't want Harry to show up right about now. If he did and Charlie saw him, everything would be over and I certainly didn't want that. But if he didn't, the wavering confidence I was building up these days would crumble and I'd probably run home crying even though that idea in itself gave me a headache.   
"Fuck off, Charlie," I spat out through gritted teeth, keeping my eyes on the row of parked cars across from me.   
"Oh, you grown claws now, yeah? Better watch out sweetheart, you keep up like this and I might have to do something about it."  
I should've seen him coming but I didn't, too focused on trying to remain calm. He pushed up into me, taking my jaw in one hand while the other reached down for my hand. He jerked my head to the side before I could get a word out and I felt his mouth against my neck, hot and wet. I wish I could say that was the worst thing about the situation but it wasn't, not in the overall perspective. Harry's car slid by, nearly pulling in but I jerked my free hand out in some form of protest and he passed by us.   
Free of distraction, I braced one foot against the pavement and used the other to launch me forward, shoving hard into Charlie's chest. He stumbled back, clearly surprised and I nearly spat at him. The wind licked at the wet patch on my neck and I could almost feel my skin start to crawl.  
"Leave me the fuck alone Charlie, I swear to God! For fuck sake!"   
I wiped my neck as I stormed down the street, going the way Harry had turned down. It took me a minute to find him because he'd gotten to the end of the street but I still checked to make sure Charlie hadn't followed me before getting in.  
"What the fuck was that, Shay?" he asked as soon as the door was shut.   
"Can we please just get out of here? Before any one sees us?"  
There was a nasty whine in my voice but I couldn't help it because I was on the verge of crying. I could still feel his hand on my jaw and his lips on my skin. I scrubbed at my neck as hard as I could, begging the feeling to go away.  
"Shay, stop, please, " he said as he pulled my hands into his, holding me there.  
We sat in silence for a good five minutes while my entire body turned twitchy. I wasn't expecting his hand on my cheek and my answering flinch nearly made him stop. I was glad he didn't though, and leaned into his palm as he worked his fingers into my hair.  
"It was him, wasn't it? He was the one who did...that to you, wasn't he?"  
My entire body roiled and I was sure I'd throw up. Instead, I nodded and felt wetness blossom in the corners of my eyes. Harry's whisper of 'Oh, Shay' nearly had me sobbing.   
"I'll fuckin' kill him," he muttered into my shoulder when he was sure I wouldn't breakdown.   
"Harry, please don't. It won't change anything. And I'm not having you getting arrested for beating up a minor, alrigh'? Can we just go, please? I still wanna spend the day with you."  
He gave me a harsh look but his face quickly softened and he nodded, giving me a quick kiss to the temple before he leaned back in his seat. I buckled my seatbelt and wiped my cheeks as subtely as I could. I felt all shivering and cold, despite the fact that Harry had turned up the heat for me. I hugged into my coat and we set off, Harry letting his hand rest on my thigh.   
If anyone else had done it, I'd have slapped them away but an odd sense of comfort came from the gesture and I found myself stroking his hand idly as he drove.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've also put this on wattpad because I am a gigantic trash bag, but you wanna find it, it's under the same name and my account is @vaasivo. (I love shameless self-promotion, must do it more often)

"Where do you wanna go to eat?" he asked tentatively, the first words spoken in at least half an hour.  
We were parked just outside what counted for a retail park in our shitty little town and the engine was still on, despite its groaning protests.  
"I was thinking we could get some takeaway and go back to mine, watch films or something," he continued, rubbing circles into my leg," but if you wanna go out, we can. We'll do whatever you want."  
I grinned happily and took his hand in mine, turning it over to thread my fingers through his.  
"Let's save dinner for my birthday, eh? Chinese sounds good though. Love me some chow mein."  
He gave my hand a squeeze and leaned forward a little so I couldn't look away from him.  
"You'll go out to dinner with me?" he asked, voice all hopeful and bright, making me roll my eyes.  
"Yes, you idiot. Now let's go and get some food. I'm starving."  
I was nervous about walking hand and hand with him but I couldn't see anyone I knew and the cold had kept most people inside. Harry was fearless though, leaning in to give me kisses every now and then, paying special attention to my nose which had gone red with the cold. We headed straight for the only Chinese takeaway and he ordered for the both of us once I'd told him what I wanted. I thought about handing over my pocketed ten quid but he interrupted me with a whisper of 'My treat' and another kiss, as if he knew what I'd been thinking. I probably should've felt a little guilt but it was hard to feel anything aside from happiness and nervousness around him.  
While we waited for the food, he sat down on the small wooden bench and pulled me into his lap, wrapping both arms around my middle while he let his chin rest against my shoulder. His comfort in this kind of stuff relaxed me a little, though I found myself watching the large glass window out front.  
"What do you want for your birthday?" he asked as he absent mindedly fiddled with the hem of my jumper.  
I shrugged, making his head bob up and down with me.  
"Dunno. I've never really done much for my birthday. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal. "  
"You would say that. Well, I'm getting you something whether you like it or not, so have a think about what you might like. 'cause I might get you something hideous or plain wrong and then you'll have to wear it or listen to it just to please me. "  
I jabbed at his ribs with my elbow but with his arms around my middle, it was pointless. He just giggled into my shoulder and pulled me against him tighter. If I hadn't been facing away from him, he'd have known that I was blushing brighter than ever before but I'd grown to like the warmth he put in my cheeks.  
After 20 minutes, our food was ready and bagged, and he headed back out into the cold though I was saved the worst of it because Harry wrapped his arm around my shoulders. While we walked, he kept on pointing things out in shop windows, awful floral dresses and tinsel-esque jewellery that I gagged at. He put the food in my lap when we got back to his car and I hugged it for warmth. Harry was a lovely body warmer but steaming hot food was much better.  
When we were on the road, it hit me that we were going to his place and that I had no idea where he lived. The errant thought that he might kidnap me or murder me crossed my mind but I put that down to over thinking. We were going to be truly alone with doors that locked and no one could come snooping around. The thought made my stomach shut down and the idea of sweet and sour chicken wasn't as appealing any more.  
The building we pulled up outside of wasn't the tallest but it looked nice. Like, nicer than I would've expected. The walls were white and beige brick, and a few of the flats even had balconies. It all seemed very clean and modern, filling me with the urge to wipe at my cheeks in case I'd gotten them dirty.  
"Jesus," I mumbled under my breath as I opened up my door.  
"What?" he questioned, trying to catch my eyes as I got out of the car.  
I shook my head and hugged the wrinkled plastic bag to my chest, begging my heart to calm down. It was pounding in my throat and wouldn't go away no matter how many times I swallowed. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Harry's arm came around my shoulders.  
"What's up missy?" he asked as he pulled me along beside him.  
"Nothin', just wasn't expecting this. I thought teachers were broke as fuck?"  
He didn't answer the question and just unlocked the main door for me. The inside was bland and that reassured me a little. Still, I couldn't help but picture him in my little house, surrounded by second hand furniture and worn carpets. Don't get me wrong, I love my house. It's one of a few places where I feel truly comfortable but I couldn't help but feel poor in this fancy building. His flat didn't make things any better.  
It was mostly bare inside but the bright white walls and light wood floors made it look way bigger than it was. I caught a glimpse of a quilted leather headboard through his half-open bedroom door as he ushered me past and into the living room. A plush black sofa sat in front of the wall-mounted flat screen, the coffee table covered in stacks of DVD's.  
"Wasn't sure what you'd wanna watch. I've got Netflix if you hate everything here though. Gimme that and go sit down," he said as he plucked the bag from my suddenly nerveless hands.  
I felt oddly childish and small as I slid out of my coat and tucked it over the back of the sofa. Something about being in that kind of place, somewhere so cut off and adult was weird, daunting almost. I took my boots off and sat them neatly beside the sofa before sitting down, sinking into the plump leather cushions. My socked feet only just brushed the soft-looking rug.  
"Still warm, " he announced as he sauntered into the living room with two plates.  
I hastily cleared some space on the table for them and he produced some cutlery from his back pocket. He flopped down beside me on the couch and let out a huffing breath as he leaned back into the cushions.  
"You all good love?" he asked, offering up his side for me.  
I nodded as I slid across and hugged into him. He handed me my plate and fork, and we settled in to eat. Turned out he wasn't the neatest eater and I kept on having to wipe sauce from his chin while he grinned through a mouthful of rice and beef. I didn't mind though. When we were finished, he took the plates through to the kitchen despite my protests about politeness and came back with some cans of coke.  
"We've still got a lot of daylight to burn so what do you wanna watch?"  
I groaned as I rubbed my belly, taking small sips from the icy can. He pushed my hands out of the way and took over the job himself, running long fingers over my bloated stomach through my jumper. The feel of it made my toes curl but he seemed oblivious to my reaction.  
"I-I don't mind really. It'll probably turn out that we hate each other's choices and then settle on something neutral."  
He nodded at that, still dragging his fingers over my belly. It made me feel all fuzzy inside and I tried to focus on that rather than the somewhat confusing wetness gathering in my underwear. I mean, the worlds of masturbation and Pornhub weren't lost on me but never had such a simple action had such a reaction. I wriggled out from beneath his hold and set my can on the table.  
"I'm gonna go pee, you pick out something benign and I'll be right back. "  
"Alrighty. Toilet's though the bedroom."  
The bathroom was small but pristine, all white tiles and silver fixtures. The toilet paper was scented and the handwash was fancy and french. I dried my hands against my jeans when I was done but found myself pausing in his bedroom. The bed was big, the duvet cover and pillows white cotton. The built-in wardrobe was open and most of his clothes hung on hangers, though a pair of jeans and a hoodie were shoved into the corner so no one would see it unless they looked. I found myself backing up until my legs hit the mattress and I sat down heavily, leaning back with my arms splayed out.  
It was quiet and peaceful, the duvet sagging around me in the most delicious way. I closed my eyes for a moment and let myself daydream about waking up here on a lazy sunday morning, sunlight streaming through the window while Harry cooked me breakfast.  
"Thought you'd left," he mumbled from the doorway, voice throaty and rasping, making me shoot up.  
His hand flashed out and he shook his head a little, making me still. The room had gone from peaceful to electrifying in a split second, and the change made me breathless. Or maybe that was him, I couldn't be quite sure. He walked over to me slowly, pausing at my legs to look at me.  
"I wanna do something, okay?"  
I nodded, relaxing back into the bed slowly. His eyes stayed locked with mine as he moved to straddle my thighs and his hands came to hover around my waist. He let only the slightest amount of his weight rest on my legs as he leaned over me, fingers trailing up my side while his tongue came out to wash over his lips.  
"If you want me to stop, just say, okay? Want you to be comfortable," he murmured, eyes turning heavy-lidded and my hips gave an involuntary squirm.  
I nodded again and watched through half-closed eyes as he leaned in to bury his face in the crook of my neck. His lips were warm and gentle as they placed little kisses on my skin, goose bumps rising on my arms at the tender brushes. I couldn't help but compare them to the mouthing that Charlie gave me earlier but Harry was so different, in an entirely different league to Charlie.  
My hands came to life at my sides, moving up and over his back to tangle in his hair, making him moan into my neck. The breathy sound sent a thrill through me and I found myself shifting between his legs. He'd pulled the neckline of my jumper down a bit and his tongue swept over my collar bone, eliciting an almost indecent gasp from me. I used my hold on his hair to pull him back.  
"Too much?" he gasped, lips all pink and wet. I didn't give him an answer.  
My tongue darted out to wet my lips and before I leaned in, I thought about how terrible my breath might be. There were a lot of onions in my chow mein. But as soon as my lips touched his and I finally got to taste him, all thoughts went out of my head. There was nothing except my lips on his and the stillness of his body that only lasted a moment.  
One of his arms came to rest beside my head while the over moved down, nimble fingers hooking beneath my top to stroke at the skin of my hip. A tingle started in the base of my belly and I moaned into the kiss, back arching up without my say so.  
Had I known how good it would be to kiss him before, I would've done it right away, as soon as he walked into art class on that first day. Would've pinned him to the desk and taken him right there.  
The thought made me pull back from the kiss, just as tongue pressed against my lips. We were both breathing hard and I was trembling, my hands still tangled in his hair.When I opened my eyes, he was staring down at me, eyes wild and ever so green. He broke out into a smile and pressed his lips to my nose.  
"Definitely worth the wait," he whispered.  
I giggled and pushed against his chest until he rolled off to lay beside me.  
"Glad you think so, hot stuff, " I said as I slid off the bed.  
He tried to cling onto the back of jumper but I was up too fast so he settled in to watch me, propped up by his elbows.  
"You okay? I didn't scare you, did I?"  
He sounded so worried that I couldn't even smile. I struggled out of my jumper and tugged my cami into place before answering, throwing my discarded knitwear on the bed.  
"No, you didn't scare me. I was just getting a little hot under the collar. Not quite sure I'm ready to go that far yet. "  
He bit at his bottom lip, nodding a little as he sat up.  
"Bet you're probably thinking about how nice it'd be to have a girlfriend who wasn't frigid."  
He gave me a look that could only be described as disgust before he stood up and stepped closer to me.  
"Shay, I'm not thinking that. Wouldn't ever think that, especially not about you. I know that stuff isn't easy for you but believe me when I say you're worth it. I'm not doing this just to get in your knickers, I wouldn't risk everything for that. I like you, all of you. If you don't wanna do something, we won't do it. Simple as. "  
He was stood right in front of me, looking down at me with all the concern in the world. I leaned in to press my cheek against his chest, taking fistfuls of his shirt in my hands.  
"That's the thing. I do wanna do stuff. I really do but every time I even think about it, my head fills with all this bad shit and like that, I'm crying. Doesn't really scream sexy, does it?"  
His arms were wrapped around me, somehow loose and tight at the same time. He swayed us back and forth a little, kissing the top of my head as he did.  
"You're sexy whenever, believe me. But I promise you, we won't do anything until you're ready. Don't care how long. Like I said, you're worth the wait."  
I smiled into his t-shirt, pulling back in his arms.  
"Don't get all soppy on me Styles, can't stand that kind of shit."  
He gave me a scoff and then gestured to the doorway.  
"Wanna go watch a film? We've still got a few hours before you absolutely have to go home."  
I nodded but didn't move. I slid up onto the balls of my feet, wiggling my arms free to take his face in my hands and brought his lips to mine. This kiss was slower, less burning hot though still made my heart pump that bit faster. He let out a shudder when I moved away.  
"Definitely like doing that," I announced with a false air of nonchalance.  
I slid out of his hold and headed back to the living room, knowing he'd follow. We settled on Zombieland and ended up cuddling in the corner of his couch, the two of us a pile of wayward limbs and warmth.

-

"I'll see you on Monday, yeah? "  
I rolled my eyes as I glanced up the street. I could see my house from here and the proximity made me nervous. My mum was built to detect bullshit, I swear.  
"Yeah, should have most of my work done by then. Thank you, for a spectacular day."  
He snorted at that and leaned over to kiss me, giving me a little look beforehand, saying Is this okay? to which I nodded. I wanted it to last but it was nearly 7 o'clock and my mum would probably flip her shit at me being out after dark. I hate being 16 sometimes. Actually, most of the time.  
"Gotta go sweet cheeks, but I'll see you monday."  
Harry winked at me as he drove away and I nearly started giggling. Mum's car was parked out front so I paused on the doorstep to calm myself before stepping inside. As soon as the door slammed shut, she appeared in the living doorway.  
"What time do you call this missy?"  
I gave her a small smile and shrugged out of my coat.  
"Soz mum, didn't mean to be out so late. The art thing was good though, met someone who might be friend-material. We went out to KFC afterwards, hence the lateness."  
Her eyebrows went up a little but she didn't comment as she took to leaning against the door frame.  
"Wish you would've texted love, I made enchiladas. Your favourite."  
I mounted the stairs but stopped on the first step.  
"I'll have 'em for breakfast, alrigh? But right now, I'm knackered and I've got loads of course work to do. I'll see you in the morning."  
I climbed the stairs before she could saying anything, because I truly was tired. An afternoon of what I considered firsts had me all tuckered out and I was ready to fall face first into bed.  
I sent Harry a text after I changed out of my civvies and into my pyjamas, leaning against the window sill as I fiddled with my phone.  
Thank you for a fab day. And, I like you too. Didn't say it before. Sleep well xx.  
I pushed away my grin and tossed my phone onto my desk before I climbed into bed. The fading sense of giddiness lulled me rather than kept me awake and I fell asleep while stroking my lips, replaying the afternoon in my head.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filler chapter because I want to have all the focus on the birthday weekend, so it's a bit shorter than usual but the next one will be super long and potentially smutty so fook yas.  
> Also, I totally forgot some of his tattoos and by the time I realised it, stuff had already happened so yeah. This AU Harry is as bare as the day he was born. And because I'm shit, the text messages aren't any different from the rest of the writing so it might be a lil bit hard to pick up.

In the week and a half leading up to my birthday, I found myself spending a lot of time with Bethan, my 'friend' from the art day. Mum wasn't too pleased given my last not-so-positive experience with new friends but I'd talked her round. Harry was all bubbly with birthday plans though he wouldn't let any details slip, just that I should dress however I want. He'd cautiously proposed the idea that I stay at his on Saturday, under the guise of staying with Bethan. I didn't have the heart to tell him that my mum would probably shut me down before I could even ask, so I just told him I'd see.  
When I woke up on Friday the 27th, I found that the foot of my bed had been dotted with presents and a McDonald's bag was on my beside table. This was my standard birthday routine. I'd open my presents in my room, enjoy a nice greasy breakfast and then go downstairs for a quiet thank you. I'm shitty at accepting anything so me and mum had found a nice balance over the years.  
She got me a few shirts, including a hideous but perfect red blouse, some DVD's and all Game of Thrones books, the first of which I packed in my bag for later. I went down after stuffing my face with hash browns and McMuffins in a long blue smock she bought me and gave her a hug as a thank you and she pinched my cheeks until I blushed. Before I left for the day, I sat down with her in the living room, trying to big myself up for the big question. She watched me out of the corner of her eyes as she sipped at a cup of tea.  
"Just spit it out or you're gonna be late," she hummed into the bug, cuddling into her bath robe.  
"Right, yeah. Well, you know Bethan? She found out it was birthday last week and has kind of asked me over for a girl's night tomorrow. I know you wanna say no but it's just a sleepover and I'll be back the next day. If I say I can't go, she'll think I don't wanna hang out with her and I do, I actually like having friends, though she's a little bit dippy sometimes. Not the point. I just want you to think about it. I know it's short notice but just trust me, yeah?"  
The whole thing tumbled out of my mouth so she couldn't get a word in, even if she wanted to. When i came to a stop, I couldn't bring myself to look in her in the eyes. She'd know. In a split second, she'd see the lie lurking and everything would go to shit. So I looked down at my bag while gripping the strap between two clenched fists.  
"Shay, you don't have to be scared of asking me about stuff, you know that right? I'm only a psycho 'cause I love you. But I know you've gotta have a life outside of this house, as much as it pains me to say it. I wanna talk to her parents before you go. I'm not having you get sold without getting a share of the profits. "  
"But that's a yeah, right? You're saying yes?"  
"Yes, I'm saying yes you moron. Now go on and go to school. You're gonna miss the bus."  
She gave me a slap on the knee and sent me on my way. As soon as I was on the doorstep, I whipped out my phone and sent Harry a text. My hands shook as I typed and I was 99% sure it wasn't anything to do with the cold.  
She said yes, though she wants to speak to Bethan's parents. So, we're fucked. See you in a bit x  
She had indeed said yes, which made my heart feel all light for some reason. After literally months of barely letting me go to the corner shop to get milk, she'd been awful lenient. Sure, she'd kind of fucked me over with the whole wanting to talk to my fictional friends parents thing but she'd said yes. For a second, I thought maybe she knew, maybe she thought I had a secret boyfriend but it was quickly shut down. If she even suspected I had a crush on anyone, she'd have chained me to my bed and would've had me in a chastity belt before I could say "Nothing happened." I tried to reassure myself with the unlikelihood of her knowing anything as I walked to the bus stop but it didn't work too well.  
I got a quick message from Harry once I was on the bus, a small attempt to soothe me with a request that I meet him behind the bike sheds before class. I hoped that he got how cliché it was and sent back a quip about cigarettes and how he was a bad influence.  
I went straight for the sheds after I got off the bus, taking the longer but less travelled way around the left side of the main building. He was there already, bundled up against the cold in a mossy green beanie and his standard brown jacket. I took a courtesy glance around to make sure no one was lurking before I made my presence known.  
"Mornin' handsome," I chirped as I made my way to him, crunching through frost-covered grass.  
He spun around, bag bobbing at his side and gave me a huge grin. He gave his own cursory glance before he held his arms out for me and I slipped my arms beneath his coat, looping around his waist.  
"Happy birthday, Birthday girl," he hummed into my ear, swinging me back and forth.  
"Shut up, you prick. I'm in denial about getting old."  
"Oh, so if you're old, what am I?"  
I stood up on my toes, nipping at his jaw.  
"You're the lecherous old perv trying to corrupt me," I whispered before pulling back my arms, not wanting to push my luck.  
He squinted his eyes at me as he reached into his bag, rummaging around between the files and binders he kept inside. He made a little noise when he found what he was looking for and he produced a small red box, balancing it on the palm of his hand.  
"For you, even if you are mean to me."  
My hands shook as I picked up the box and I could feel my palms beginning to sweat. Harry was watching me with lazy interest, biting at his lip as he waited. I tried to block him out as I opened up the box. Pinned to the velvet were a pair of raindrop shaped earrings, blue gems of some sort wrapped in coils of silver. They were beautiful.  
"Harry...shit, this is way too much. I mean, they're stunning, absolutely but I can't take these. They must've-"  
He cut me off with a kiss, one hand catching my jaw while the other curled around the box and pressed it to my chest.  
"It's nothing," he mumbled, nibbling at my lower lip, " don't worry about it. There's more where that came from anyway and I won't have you complaining. And don't worry about your mum either, I'll take care of it. Now, you better get going. I've heard your art teacher is a right prick. "  
He gave me a quick peck before he headed off, going the way I'd come from. I stood there for a moment, the velvet box still clutched to my chest. The earrings really were lovely and he didn't seem to care about how much they cost. With a a nervous quiver in my belly, I stuffed the box into my pocket and headed for the nearest entrance.  
My birthday went by quite happily. School was shitty but manageable as Charlie kept out of my way. When I got back, I had a nice long bath while my mum ordered in pizza. We sat downstairs and scoffed slices while we watched as many. Halfway through Kill Bill, she leaned over and spoke beneath the blaring of the TV.  
"Got a call today, from Bethan's dad. Said I wanted to speak about the sleepover. He sounds nice, had lovely things to say about you which was shocking."  
I kept as still as I could, trying to not let my eyes go wide as I watched the screen. My thoughts went immediately to Harry and my hands balled into fists in my shirt sleeves.  
"Yeah, I messaged Bethan this morning, said you wanted to speak to her parents. She said she was gonna get her dad to call you. Sorry I didn't let you know. "  
"It's all good. Just took me by surprise. I assumed you were bullshitting about the sleepover and just wanted to go partying with your friends. But you kept up your side of the bargain so I guess I'll have the house to myself this weekend."  
She gave me a smile and stood up with her glass in her hand and a whispered "Be back in a minute." As soon as she was out of the room, I swiped my phone off the table and typed furiously.  
Did you call my mum, you psychopath? She just told me she got a call from Bethan's dad today. It better not have been you.  
I didn't hear back from him by the time my mum came back so I was stuck watching another three movies before I could check my phone. After Lawless, I feigned tiredness and headed for bed after thanking my mum. As soon as I was in my room, I unlocked my phone and read through his message.  
I told you I'd take care of it, love. Please don't be mad at me. Don't want to spoil anything tomorrow. H xx.  
I wanted to be mad at him, almost desperately so. He could've fucked up everything and I didn't even want to think about that, and not just because I was scared of the practical consequences. I wouldn't admit to what actually scared me. So, instead of ripping the piss out of him via text, I sent him a sweet "Alright, goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow," with plenty of kisses.  
I didn't sleep much that night, mostly because I was nervous. I hadn't really considered our romantic weekend ever happening. Now that it was happening, I couldn't help the wash of scenarios that ran through my head.  
I knew Harry would never make me do anything I didn't want to but this was a big deal and it felt like I should do something. This was a big deal after all. A whole weekend alone with my older and most likely experienced boyfriend. No wonder I didn't go to sleep until 3am.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd split the weekend into two parts, because I got a lil carried away. Warning: There is a post-shower handy j in this part, so if you don't want that, skip the last third of this chapter. (Also, it'd be hella cool if someone could give me some advice on what to do next. Should he repay Shay's very kind and attentive hand job or no?)

As soon as I woke up on Saturday morning, I started packing my bag even though I was all groggy and dry-eyed. Harry was going to pick me up at 10 so I only had half an hour to make myself into someone resembling a human being. I took the world's quickest shower, scrubbing at my hair with a towel until it was mostly dry and pinned most of it out of my eyes. I chose an oversized grey jumper and the thickest leggings I could find, put a vest on beneath the jumper because it was way too early to even consider bras. I packed some more comfy clothes but made sure to pack something a little dressy. Hopefully I'd be able to pry his plans out of him on the way to his because I hated not knowing. What if he wanted to go out to a super fancy restaurant and I ended up in my weekend comfies?   
At 10, Harry sent me a text to tell me he was nearly there so I crammed my nicest underwear and my toiletries into my bag, and legged it downstairs. My mum had already left, as she worked as a carer on the weekends, so I left her a note on the kitchen side and headed out. He was already waiting at the corner when I got there and he took my bag from me when I reached him.   
"Morning gorgeous," he announced after sliding my bag into the back.   
I gave him a lazy smile and went to climb into the passenger seat but his arm wrapped around my middle so he could pull my back to his chest. His had came to my jaw and tilted my head up and back, until his lips brushed against mine. They were cold and slightly swollen. He'd probably been biting at them when he was waiting. My thoughts didn't remain still for long as he nipped at my bottom lip and I nearly whimpered.  
"Sorry," he breathed against my cheek, giving me another gentle peck before pulling away, " been wanting to do that since last night. "  
I nodded slightly in acknowledgement, eyes still heavy and drifting. It amazed me how Harry could do such simple things and leave me all giggly and girlish but I certainly wasn't complaining. Ever since that maybe in his bedroom, we spent most of out time together with our lips locked and every brush of his lips, his tongue or his teeth turned my bones into spaghetti. He loved that he could make me all weak at the knees, as he'd whisper in my ear whenever I blushed.  
He opened my door for me and I climbed inside, relishing the weak but determined trickle of hot air from the heater. Even with my woollen bottoms, my legs were freezing and the wind had kept on creeping beneath my jumper. I punched my sleeves around my fist and blew onto them until my palms were sweaty and I could actually feel my fingers.   
"So, what's the plan for today?" I questioned once we were on the road.  
"Nuh-uh, you're not knowing anything. You'll just have to see later. "  
His wolfish grin made me scoff and turn towards the window to watch the world pass by outside but I felt his hand on my side within seconds, sneaking beneath my jacket to rest against the curve of my waist. I couldn't stay indignant for long when he started trailing his fingers over my hip and that well of warmth in my belly opened up, filling me up from my crown to my ankles.   
"Can I at least know what we're doing this morning? It'd be nice to know why I had to wake up so early."  
"Wanted as much time with you as I could possibly get. I'm making the most of this weekend so you better be prepared. And I thought we'd pick up some breakfast, head back to mine, pig out and chill for a bit."  
I hummed my approval and saw him grin out of the corner of my eye.   
He drove us into the center of town and we went to a small cafe to pick up sandwiches and pastries. I managed to refrain from eating any of the goodies for most of the car ride but I ended up scoffing half a pecan maple and covering myself in flakes. When we parked outside his building, I apologised for the crumbs I had to sweep off the seat but he just nudged me towards the entrance, my bag in hand.  
He disappeared into his bedroom to put my stuff away once we were inside so I went to the kitchen and set out some plates for our sandwiches, checking to see which ones had pickle on because they were Harry's. I didn't hear him come into the kitchen and I nearly dropped both our plates when I saw him leaning against the archway.   
"Jesus Christ Harry, you scared the shit out of me!"  
He gave me a bitten-lipped smile and ambled over to give me a kiss on the cheek.  
"Sorry hun, was just admiring you being all domestic. "  
I would've smacked him for that but my hands were otherwise occupied so I left him alone in the kitchen and went to sit on the sofa. I kicked off my shoes and hung my coat over the back before sitting down in the deeper corner, pulling my plate close to my chest.  
"Aw, don't be mad. I liked it, looked like you've always been here. "  
He lifted my legs up so he could sit beneath them and let his plate rest against my knees. I used my position to pull myself a little bit closer as I nibbled at cheese and cucumber on whole wheat. Kept my eyes cast down because I didn't want him to see me blushing yet again but I think he noticed anyway as he started stroking my thigh while he ate. When we were both done, he pulled back my jumper and cuddled close to my tummy as he stroked circles into my vest. In return, I pulled my fingers through his hair and found myself wondering what shampoo he used. He looked up at me all of a sudden, a glint in his eyes.  
"Wanna open your presents?" he asked, face all childish and lit up.   
He was gone before I could answer, loping off the sofa and over to a small cupboard tucked into the wall. He slid out a pile of boxes out and beckoned me over but I didn't move. The pile was as tall as his knees and some of them had fancy names printed on top. What in the fuck? When I didn't stand up, he came over and pulled me up, holding tight on my wrist.   
"Christ Harry, when did you do all this?"  
"Well, most of it I did yesterday which is why I didn't give you a lift. Now, come on, open 'em."  
He sat cross-legged in front of the boxes and eased me down into his lap. It took me a minute to build myself up enough to open the first one and he watched me carefully as I pulled the bracelet out of the smallest box. It was a delicate silver chain with a little leaf-shaped charm. My teeth sank into my lip as I weaved the chain around my fingers.   
"Do you like it?" he questioned, all soft and doe-eyed.  
I nodded but tucked it back into the little box and my hands shook a little.  
"Of course, but it looks so expensive Harry. You can't just-"   
A finger against my lips cut me off and before I knew it, he'd taken the bracelet up and had secured it around my wrist.  
"You don't have to worry about that. I've got plenty of money and my mum's always giving me more. I like buying you stuff, anyway. What does it matter?"  
"Because I can't reciprocate. We're already uneven enough and I don't wanna add the face that I'm poor to that list. "  
A crease formed between his brows and his lips puckered as he absorbed it. I stared down at our hands in my lap, ignoring the glint of the chain against my skin.  
"Shay..I don't want you to think like that, 'cause you don't have to give me anything. You're already giving me enough by spending time with you. And I just wanted to treat you to something nice. You deserve it. But I won't buy you stuff if you don't want me to. "  
Harry's face had turned forlorn, the cheekiness gone from his eyes and my heart ached for him. Reaching out for another box, I gave him a quick peck before unravelling the ribbon and revealing a heavy metal ornament. We spent the next hour like that, him draped around me as I opened up presents. He really had gone all out, the boxes full of clothes and trinkets and even a pair of boots that matched his. My favourite thing was a dress he'd bought me. It was a light lavender and made of gauzy chiffon that hung lazily from the bodice. I didn't think I'd like it when I pulled open the box it was in but when I pressed it to my body, felt the silkiness of the material and saw Harry's heavy gaze, I realized it was perfect.  
Around one, after we finished our lunch and a few episodes of OITNB, he disappeared into his bathroom for a shower and I was left to my own devices. I found myself filled with curiosity and impatience, and started to wander through out his apartment. I snooped through his fridge first and then his cupboards but they were mostly bare. He'd only moved in a few months ago so I wasn't surprised. I searched through the only room I'd never been in, his office of sorts but there wasn't much there either. A desk covered in papers and drawings, one wall lined with bookcases that were left mostly empty. After going through his DVD collection, I found myself in his bedroom, lounging on the bed.  
The shower was going full blast so I don't think he heard me when I approached the bathroom door. It was cracked open a little and beneath the spray, I could hear him singing, voice deep and velvety. It got louder when I pushed the door open some more. When I saw his reflection in the huge bathroom mirror, I sucked in a breath.   
His back was bare and drenched in water, the tips of his hair reaching toward his shoulder blades under the weight of the water. Because of how his shower was made, the lower half of the glass cubical frosted, I couldn't see the rest of him and I wanted to, a steadily familiar warmth swelling between my hips. I was still stood there, chewing on my bottom lip as I stared, when he turned around to rinse the suds from his chest. His eyes caught mine and his lips twisted into the slightest of smirks.   
"Sorry," I muttered, turning my gaze down to the tiles, " I was just..I got bored."  
"S'alright. You don't have to apologise. Come in, if you want."  
He went back to washing, slicking purple-tinged body wash along his arms. With quivering knees, I slid into the steamy bathroom and took a hasty seat atop the closed toilet lid. I hugged my knees to my chest to keep myself from squirming because there was a very definite wetness between my thighs and my muscles were twitching, begging me to do something about it. I settled on watching him through the glass, chin tucked against my knees while I bit at my bottom lip.   
When he turned off the water, I jumped up and pulled the towel from the heated rack, unfolding it and holding it in my hands. The door slid open and as much as I wanted to look, I stared hole into his dripping chest. Harry closed the distance between us in on step but didn't reach for the towel. Instead, he waited for me, arms dangling at his side.   
Nervousness coiled in my chest as I slid my arms along his hips, the towel gathered in one hand. his skin was wet but deliciously warm and my free hand ghosted over the taut softness of his arse cheek as I pulled the towel around him. And finally, before I could tuck the towel against his hips, my eyes went downwards and I nearly squeaked.  
He was half hard, the length of him swelling out of a thatch of dark curly pubes, a healthy pinkish flush running beneath the soft-looking skin to culminate at the reddened tip. Precome beaded at his slit and my throat was painfully dry all of a sudden. Holy fuck, he had a very pretty dick. Sizeable and soft, the urge to reach out and take him in my hand was overwhelming.   
"You okay?" he asked.  
He'd leaned forward as I had stared and he nosed at my temple, breathing all shallow and shuddering. I nodded a little and made my arms moving, wrapping the towel around him and his bobbing erection, tucking the edges together against his hip. He flinched when the cotton rubbed against his sensitive prick but I took his hand in mine and pulled him behind me into the bedroom.  
"Will you sit, please?"  
He obliged and fell heavily against the bed, letting out a low whine when the towel strained at his hard-on. I pinned him with a look, a thrill running through me when he leaned back on his hands and went still. I slid my jumper over my head and let it fall to the floor. I approached him slowly, hands loose at my sides.  
I expected to feel nervous at least, shit scared at worst but there was no tickle at the back of my neck, no tensing or sickness. Just a steadily building heat in my underwear and a need to feel him against me.   
I pulled the towel open, watching as the shiny head bobbed against his belly for a moment before settling.I was entranced by the sight of him but couldn't help but wonder how we'd gone from snuggling on the sofa to this. Carefully, I moved to straddle his lap, staying up on my knees and feeling his heat against me. My hands rested on his shoulders and he looked up at me like he couldn't help it, couldn't tear his eyes away. The intensity of his gaze made my cheeks go all pink but I didn't mind, for once. This was a good blush, one that made me feel fizzy inside.   
My lips found his hungrily, teeth nibbling at his already bitten-red lips before I delved in deeper. His tongue washed over mine and I was sure I'd never tasted him so completely. His hands found my waist and pushed me downward a bit, until the near-scalding length of him rubbed against the ass of my leggings. He groaned into my mouth but I pushed him back, leaning back up on my knees.  
"Lie down. I wanna do something."  
Again, he obeyed quickly and let his torso hit the duvet. His hair sent splatters against the cover but I don't think either of us cared. I certainly didn't. Pivoting my hips, I swung off his lap in favour of lying beside him, pressed flush against his side. He watched my every move carefully and I knew he was looking for some kind of reluctance, because even with his dick painfully hard, he was still profoundly caring and would stop at the first sign of distress.  
But there wasn't any, even now as I hugged his thigh between my legs and let my hands stroke down his body, finger tips skimming along his treasure trail to the slightly dewy shock of hair. My head was resting against his chest and he was whining, a low sound in the back of his throat with the occasional whispered "Fuck".   
"Never done this before," I whispered into his skin, fingers trembling just a little, "might be a bit shit."  
He started to speak, to reassure me but that cut off as soon as they started because I'd curled my hand around the base of his silky soft cock. Harry's whole body went still and when I glanced up at him, his mouth was a slack 'O' of breathless delight. I kissed at his chest as some instinct took over my arm, hand squeezing loosely around him as I dragged it up and down slowly. His own hands were feverish, one clinging to my hip while the other clenched the sheets.  
I turned away from my ministrations and rested my chin against his tense pec. His eyes were pinched shut but his mouth had lolled open and his tongue kept on darting out to slick his ruddy lips. Running my thumb over his leaking slit, I leaned up a little and brought his mouth to mine. The kiss was sloppy and messy but brilliant all the same, and his hold on my became bruising tight.  
"Fuck! Shay..M'gonna, gonna come," he choked out, his hips thrusting up frantically to meet my pumping hand.   
I hushed him gently and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. Sure enough, I felt him pulse in my grip and seconds later, a hot stickiness erupted over the back of my hand, sliding down to pool on his thigh. For a long moment, we were both still, me watching in fascination while he became a twitching ball of nerve endings. He came down slowly, whimpering quietly because my hand was still wrapped around him so I eased off, swiping against the discarded towel.   
"Shay...shit.."  
I was all smiles as I sat up, pulling his hand from my hip. I'd probably have a few marks there but I didn't mind. The light-headed heat was still there and it felt like I'd accomplished something, as ridiculous as that sounded. Felt like I'd moved that road block in my head to a more manageable place.   
I slid off the bed but kept close, standing between his knees as he looked up at me with hazy, slightly glistening eyes. He was smiling too but it looked sleepy and content. His cheeks and chest were flushed, and he still had a little puddle of rapidly cooling come on his thigh. A thought popped into my mind but I couldn't..could I?  
Kneeling down and placing myself carefully between his knees, I licked my lips as I leaned towards the pale skin of his thigh. Harry showed a little more awareness now, propping himself up on his elbows to watch as I timidly slid my tongue along his skin, gathering his jizz in a haphazard kiss. It didn't taste as bad as I thought it might, a little bitter but otherwise warm with an oddly sweet after taste. I still swallowed quickly, before I could really consider what I was doing. Harry had sat up while I preoccupied myself with cleaning him up and he was looking down at me with a lustful look I'd only half-seen because he tried to keep that side to himself, probably so I wouldn't feel pressured.  
"Not bad," I eventually said though my voice sounded strange, too high pitched and he gave a breathy laugh.   
His hand came up to cup my cheek, fingers threading into my hair while the pad of his thumb ran over my temple. I think he wanted to say something because his mouth kept popping open only to close again with a shake of his head. I kissed the inside of his wrist before standing up, disentangling myself from him. Walked over to his dresser and pulled out some black cotton boxers and a pair of jeans, then I went and pulled my favourite t-shirt from his wardrobe. He stood up to meet me half way and I handed things over piece by piece. Once he was dressed, his hand worked its way to the back of my neck so he could press his forehead to mine.  
"You okay?" he asked softly.  
"Yeah, course. Was it..was it okay?"  
His forehead bobbed against mine and I felt indescribably, unreasonably happy. I bounced up on my toes and gave him a quick peck, unable to keep the grin off my face for anything heavier.   
"You gonna tell me what we're doing today, now that we've crossed the line of no return?"  
He only laughed in answer and draped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side as we walked back out into the living room. I didn't really care about the answer because my heart was singing and I wouldn't mind if he said we were going sky diving, as long as he were there. God, I'm a walking fucking cliché.


	9. *HIATUS, kinda*

Super sorry it's been so long, but I've been so busy and I haven't been able to write all that much. And I won't be able to write that much over the next few weeks so I'm going on a small hiatus. I will update but it won't be every few days as it has been. I was thinking of starting a little H.S one shot series in the meantime, because it takes an hour to write one of those and at least 6 to make an okay-ish chapter. I still get to write and you still get to read. Everyone wins.   
Anyway, that's it. I will probably update in the next few days, as I've been working in chapter 9 (I think) for the past week. But, yeah. If you have any requests for the one shot series, that'd be fuckin' sweet. Otherwise you'll be stuck with all my sick fantasies and that's no fun.


	10. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally. Yay. Would've been uploaded sooner but I've been wifi-less and bereft.

His plan, as it turned out, was to get me drunk as dicks just so he could watch me giggle like a fool. Okay, maybe that wasn't his intention but that's what ended up happening. After a wonderful dinner at a quaint Italian bistro where I stuffed my face with bruschetta and let Harry lick the oil drizzle off my fingers, I'd convinced him to go into a hole-in-wall club nearby. After all, my only experience with alcohol were glasses of cheap prosecco at Christmas and a half a can of Fosters one weekend when I was 14 because me and mum had gone camping with our old neighbours and their daughter had talked me into it. After promising to only stay for a little while, Harry had finally let me pull him inside and I hadn't looked back.  
He bought me the least alcoholic cocktail he could think of at first. It came in a warped Martini glass hung with slices of fruit and I drank it quickly because it tasted like tropical beaches. Harry stuck to buying me similar fruity concoctions until I managed to sneak away and approach the bar myself. I was tipsy at this point and all notions of worry and timidness had fallen away, so I was given the three vodka shots I ordered without a second glance. I nearly coughed up a lung when I downed the first one but I sipped at the second while taking harry the third. He looked mad when I handed it to him but I was all shits and giggles, and couldn't care less. He softened up when I unbuttoned the top button of his fetching red shirt that matched the blouse my mum had given me, and pressed a wet kiss to his collar bone.  
A few hours later, around 1-ish, Harry herded me into the back of a taxi because we hadn't driven into the city center and Harry, while not as pissed as I was, was certainly too squiffy to be behind the wheel of a car.  
"Thank you," I started, words slurring a little as my head lolled back against the headrest," for a lovely birthday. Couldn't 'ave gone better."  
He gave me a warm smile as he held me flush against his side and rubbed a hand over my belly because I'd been complaining of sickness before we got in the cab. I felt alright now - I was practically buzzing now that I could sit down and enjoy the heat of illegally consumed booze - but I didn't want him to stop so I slumped into him and hummed happily.   
Everything was fuzzy and wrapped in cotton wool. No point could hold my attention except for Harry and even he wasn't distracting enough to keep my haze from wandering when I saw the beginnings of the Christmas lights being put up. The strings of bulbs glittered blearily through the window, looping into unknown shapes that bled together the more I stared.  
"You're very welcome, princess," he whispered into my ear and I could smell cherries on his lips.  
The thought of his lips and the shots of cherry vodka we'd ordered last made me giggle and hug into his shoulder. If I hadn't have been so out of it, I'm pretty sure I would've given the cab driver quite the show though he looked like he might've enjoyed it, with the glances he kept giving me in the rear view mirror.  
I felt sleepy when the cab finally pulled onto the cul-de-sac his building was on. Harry helped me out and paid the driver while I leaned against the boot, basking in the cool air. I had his blazer around my shoulders and I'd grown warm while cuddled up to his side so the cold was nice. Plus, it helped me feel a little more sober. I glued myself to his hip once he'd handed over the fare and we walked into the building arm in arm.   
I left him to lock up, ambling towards the living room because I wasn't ready to go to bed yet. After grabbing a glass of water, I went and sat in front of the big square doors that led out onto his little balcony. The sky was dark and starless, and the corners of the doors were frosting up a little. The thought of the cold made me curl up on myself and that's how Harry found me.   
I heard up come up behind me but didn't say anything, couldn't say anything because I was too preoccupied with staring up into the looming darkness. He sank down behind me, slotting his legs alongside my hips and letting his chin rest on my shoulder. I'd unbuttoned my blouse while fetching my drink so Harry's unruly hair tickled at my skin but I didn't mind. He smelled nice and he was warm, pushing away the chill the emanated from the glass doors so I just scooted back into him, letting out a breath sigh.   
"Thank you," he whispered after a little while, voice cracking just a bit and I nearly offered him my water.  
"For what?"  
"Agreeing to spend the weekend with me, for trusting me. You're somethin' special, you know that right? And I..I really like you, Shay. Maybe a bit more than like."  
My mouth opened, closed again with a little puff of air. My heart was pumping too slowly, knocking lethargically against my lungs until I started to feel dizzy. Harry waited nervously, holding his cheek to my shoulder while his fingers played at my ribs. There was no way he was saying what I thought he was saying. Absolutely no way.   
"Harry...what are you saying? "   
Hesitation was heavy in the air and his lips brushed over the curve of my neck as he struggled to get the words out.   
"M'saying I love you, Shay. I love you."   
It came out as a sigh, his chest bumping into my back as he sucked in a deep breath. Funny, because I found that I couldn't breath any more. All urges to let my ribs flex and let my lungs inflate had left me because what the fuck? Where in the fuck had that come from? Did he actually mean it? Did I love him back? All kinds of questions swirled around in my head as I tried to breath, tried to think coherently but it wouldn't happen. I was completely blown away, knocked out of my own head and into numb disbelief.   
Before he could say anything else, I was moving, diving out of his careful grip and belting down the hall. I barely made it to the bathroom in time, the vomit fighting to crawl up my throat as I clamped my hand over my mouth. I hunched over the toilet bowl, tears leaking out of the corner of my eyes as I wretched so hard, I thought my insides would fly out my mouth. I leaned back once I felt finished, wiping my hand against the back of my mouth and swallowing back that nasty acid taste of boozy puke. I didn't notice Harry in the doorway, not until he spoke up.  
"You okay?"  
I turned towards him and tried to stand but my legs wouldn't work properly so I just slumped against the shower door and nodded. My cheeks were wet, my forehead was sweaty, and it felt like I'd run a marathon. I let out a strangled whimper, my hand flailing out for him and he came quickly, like I knew he would.  
"I didn't mean to frighten you, I really didn't. But I won't apologise for it. I won't take it back. I fuckin' love you."  
His face was grim, determined but also impossibly wary. The sting of rejection hung in the air and I was the only one who could stop it now. I swallowed once more, wishing I could brush my teeth and maybe sleep for a few days before doing this but life is rarely kind enough to oblige.   
"Harry, I..I don't want you to take it back, I really don't. But..I can't say it back. M'not saying I don't feel it back but I just can't say it yet, okay? Please don't hate me."  
The last part was whispered and almost teary, because I've never been good with emotions and the half-drunken state I was in certainly didn't help anything. I clutched at his hand, willing him to say something with little brushes of my finger tips. He stayed quiet for almost too long and the urge to empty the rest of stomach nearly overwhelmed me.   
"I don't hate you, couldn't ever, " he finally mumbled, hunching in on himself, " just wish you could say it back, is all. I want you to love me Shay, as much as I love you."  
A pang went through me and the words bubbled in my throat, or maybe that was more vomit. Either way, I swallowed thickly and opened my arms up for him instead, beckoning him to cuddle close. It was a little awkward, reminiscent of our first hug but I couldn't bring myself to care.   
"Harry, the last person who I said that to, who wasn't my mother, humiliated me, fucked me up worse than I could've thought possible. I don't think you'd do anything like that, believe me, but I'm still a bit of a mess, okay? I wish I wasn't, wish I could tell you too but it's gonna take me a while. Doesn't mean I don't feel it though."  
I was crying when I finished, just gentle little hiccups and hot wetness leaking from my eyes without much care. Harry's arms tightened around me as he hugged his face into my chest. I could feel damp spots against my collar bones along with his lips, warm and constant just above the neckline of my camisole. I stroked at his hair while trying to absorb the absolute cluster fuck our evening had turned into. Not a bad one, necessarily, but a cluster fuck nonetheless.   
I think we both nearly fell asleep on the bathroom floor but Harry pulled back before he could doze off. He pulled me up when he stood and guided me to the bed. I tried to help him strip me down but my limbs were unwilling to cooperate. At any other time, his hands stroking down my legs as he pulled my jeans off or his hands fiddling at my back as he tried to unhook my bra would've made me tingle all over but I was too exhausted, reeling into a stupor only sleep could break. Harry tucked me in tightly and gave my lips a gentle kiss, though I don't know how because I probably tasted awful.  
"Love you, yeah?" he murmured as he leaned over me, "love you forever."  
I nodded sleepily because it seemed like the thing to do, even though I wanted desperately to return his words. His warmth left and I cuddled into the duvet. The last thing I remember before I passed out for the night was a whisper from across the room, Harry's voice hoarse and needy.  
"Want you to be mine forever."

-

I woke up warm and chalky-mouthed, a headache pounding at my temples as I struggled to pull myself out from beneath the duvet. The other side of the bed was cold when I groped for Harry and I couldn't help but frown. Where was he?  
It took me a little while to actually pull the blankets back and face the outside world. His bedroom was mostly dark but the bedside lamp closest to me was turned on low, a glass of water and a packet of paracetamol placed within the bubble of warm glow. I gulped down half of the glass, saving the rest so I could neck a couple of pain killers. Once I knew some relief from my hangover was coming, I slid my legs out from beneath the covers, feeling shaky and newborn as I tip-toed over to the door.  
I could hear him out there, the TV on low as he messed around in the kitchen. I couldn't face him just yet, not before showering and scrubbing the awful taste from my mouth. So I stumbled through to the bathroom and locked myself away from a good half hour, enjoying the torrential waterfall of the shower head for longer that I probably should've because the water was only lukewarm when I finally turned it off.   
After brushing my teeth furiously for a good 5 minutes, I went and got dressed, pulling on my thickest pair of joggers and a t-shirt. Before I went out to face Harry, I stole one of his jumpers from his wardrobe, a heavy black woollen one that came down to my knees, it was so big.   
The living room was lit up and cheery, the TV turned to This Morning but only for background noise. I found him in the kitchen, worrying over a frying pan full of bacon and tomatoes. The smell of it nearly turned my stomach but I struggled through, moving round the island that was cluttered with more breakfast stuff, to stand beside him. He gave me a small smile when he spotted me, poking at strips of shrinking bacon with a spatula.  
"Sleep okay?" he asked, glancing at me almost shyly.   
I nodded, wrapping my arm around the one holding onto the pan and leaning my cheek against his arm.   
"Yeah, slept fine...Are we okay?" I asked timidly, turning my head up so I could look him in the eyes.  
He wouldn't meet my gaze, took to staring down at the swirls of grease around the edges of the pan and panic distracted me from the ache in my head. Oh, fuck. We weren't, were we? He hated me, didn't want me to be there any more. Probably couldn't wait until I finally fucked off.  
"We're fine babe, promise. Don't know if you are but I certainly am. "  
I nearly choked on my own smile and I wanted to smack him. Hard. Instead, I leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek, his answering smile quelling the sick feeling in my tum that had nothing to do with the hangover. He bumped his hip into my side, sliding his arm over my head so I could cuddle into his side.  
"I didn't know how you'd feel this morning so I cooked a bit of everything. I thought a fry up might be a bad first choice so I made some fruit salad. Nice and refreshing for my little alcoholic. Did'ya get the pain killers?"  
I nodded, unable to hide the little swell of happiness at his thoughtfulness. Even after practically rejecting him, he was still so bloody caring. He was too sweet, far too sweet.  
I settled on a big bowl of fruit and granola while he tucked into his fry up, constantly offering to go and make me some if I wanted it. We sprawled on the couch as I picked through for melon, and he finished before me so he helped himself to my strawberries that reminded me too much of the cocktails last night. When I was done, he took our dishes into the kitchen and came back to lie down on the couch, hugging his cheek into my belly while I played with his hair, paying more attention to him than the old Western playing on the TV. But the peaceful little bubble we were in couldn't last forever. The real world was beckoning.  
"I'll have to leave in a bit. My mum's probably going ape 'cause I didn't text her last night. Probably thinks I've been killed."  
It was nearly midday and I hadn't checked my phone yet but it was most likely true. Harry let out a sigh but kept his position, tucking his arm tighter beneath.  
"Don't want you to go, " he finally mumbled, nosing at my shirt and turning his head to he could gaze up at me, expression all pouty and puppy-faced.   
"Same, but I'm afraid these are the perils of dating a teenager."   
He gave me a blushy little smile which I returned before squirming free of his hold.  
"I'm gonna go and pack my stuff, then we'll leave, yeah?"  
He nodded as he sat up and I made my way into his bedroom. The bed was still a mess and I felt guilt about not making it. I repacked everything in my bag, making room for a few gifts. I couldn't possibly take all of them, not without drawing a lot of suspicion but Harry hadn't minded when I told him over breakfast. In fact, he was a little happy that I was leaving some things behind. 'Shows you've been here, doesn't it? Tells the world I'm taken," is all he said when I'd sent him a questioning glance.  
Once I had my stuff packed up, cramming my toiletries bag atop my clothes to protect the few pieces I'd been given, I dragged it out into the living room to fetch my jacket. I was shrugging out of his jumper when he came up behind me, tugging my hands back down.  
"Keep it, looks better on you than it does me anyway, " he said, hugging my middle tightly before going to fetch his boots.  
It was probably too much, too suspicious. If my mum found it, I'd have a lot of explaining to do. But if I couldn't curl up beside him every night, his jumper would be the next best thing so I tucked my jacket into my bag and settled on putting on my shoes.   
I was leaning against the back of his sofa when he came out of his bedroom wrapped up in a nearly matching jumper, giving me a grin that slipped away too quickly. I reached out for him, making grabby hands so he'd move faster.  
"I know it's shit but I'll see you soon, yeah?" I said as he moved to stand between my legs, " I'll come round tomorrow if I don't have too much course work, or I'll just bring it here. Put that big brain of yours to some use. "  
He gave a nod, hair flopping into his eyes but he didn't smile. Just fiddled with my hands, having to push the sleeves back to stroke at my wrists.  
"I just wish you could stay for longer. I liked waking up to you, even if you were dribbling."  
He grinned a small grin when I swatted at his chest and I returned it as best as I could. There was an ache in my chest at the thought of leaving but it was ridiculous. I'd see him tomorrow, wouldn't I? We'd spend lunch together and I'd probably go back to his for a bit. It wasn't like we were never going to see each other again. But no matter how hard I tried to be rational, the ache remained, moving down a bit to hollow out my belly.  
"We'll do it again, yeah. Soon. Maybe after Christmas or something?"  
That seemed to appease him enough because he gave me a tender kiss, giving my nose a peck before he pulled away.  
"C'mon," he said as he took my hand, leaning down to grab my bag, " time to give you back."  
During the ride back, the well in my stomach only widened further, though I tried to ignore it because it truly was stupid. I think he noticed my melancholy because we didn't speak much, just held hands and pretended to listen to the radio as he made his way back to my place.  
He pulled up to our usual corner after an hour of being as slow as possible. He was trying to prolong our time together and I was happy that he did, even if it did mean I'd get told off when I got in.   
"I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"  
I nodded, swallowing around the lump in my throat as he leaned over and kissed at my jaw. I really didn't want to go back, not after a little taste of what it would be like if we made it past my teenage years. The clock was still ticking though and I had to get out eventually.   
I stood on the pavement beside his car once he climbed back in after helping me with my bag. The window was rolled down and he had my hand in his, giving me a sad smile as he looked up at me.  
"We'll do it again babe, don't worry. "  
"I know, I know. I just like being at yours, feels different. Feels like we're real when I'm there."  
He gave me a frown and used his hold on me to pull me closer, making me lean down a bit.  
"Shay, we're real, you know that right? This isn't just some passing thing. I wasn't lying when I said I love you."  
He sounded dangerously close to passionate as he spoke and I felt a prickle at my eyes, sucked in a deep breath before anything could come of it and gave him a smile. I wanted to say something, anything, to keep him there a little longer but his admittance had silenced me yet again.   
"I'll see you tomorrow, Shay. I'll make something nice for lunch, okay?"  
I nodded and he let go of my hand, and like that, he was driving away while I stayed glued to the pavement, unable to move. Because I loved him, I really, truly loved him.  
Fuck.


End file.
